Bizarre Solution to Fix POSTAL SERVICE Proposed

The U.S. Postal Service is losing $25 Million per day because it is the only government entity which is actually required to fund the future health care costs of its retirees. (Every other agency merely kicks the can down the road for future deadbeat politicians to deal with.) Time and again the USPS tried to eliminate Saturday service in order to save hundreds of millions by taking a million gas-guzzling vehicles off the streets. But since “never give an inch” is the motto of our culture (esp. politicians and unions, who view the word “compromise” like they view the word “shit”) it’s a non-starter. So Not Entertainment News suggests that instead of raising postage rates to European standards (a one-ounce letter mailed in England cost 94 cents,) the USPS should be incorporated into the NFL, which is a rock solid financial dynamo able to pass out $50 million plus contracts as standard practice. Coaches in the NFL make million plus salaries, and top coaches get $500 grand-plus bonuses for each win. (Shit, even referees make $150 grand, part time.) As part of the NFL, the postal service’s goals could be achieved, union demands met, and Coke and Pepsi would finally have their emblems on the sides of postal delivery vehicles, which has been their goal all along. (The U.S. Government, by contrast, is a badly mismanaged and losing team…they win games but not rings because they don’t understand the playoffs, and have no playbook or silver lining (ie. exit strategy)…even after spending more than everyone else in the world combined.) We suggest recruiting Zen master Phil Jackson from the NBA to mojo the USPS’s full transition into sports. (Sorry Lance Armstrong didn’t work out.) Maybe the Pentagon could be part of the NFL next! After all, as shown elsewhere in this blog, everything is a sport in our culture anyway, and so the goal here is to prevent people from going postal at being hit with a .94 cent stamp featuring Goldman Sach’s CEO Lloyd Blankfein, (which is Plan B.) …Oh, and you’ll also have to get used to hearing and using the word “SHIT” regularly and often. (It is, after all, an innocuous word meaning “feces,” and is also an anagram of “hits.”)  

Order Postmarked for Death ebook here.

Congress Approves Golf Course Budget

Having approved a temporary extension of sequester funds for air traffic controllers, Congress today also approved grounds maintenance for federal golf courses so that not only could they get to the tee without delay for their recess, but those courses will be freshly cut when they get there! Reports Ryback Solomon, “Greens fees will, of course, be added to the deficit so that these hard-working men and women can enjoy a vacation from their strenuous duties on the Hill, and with drinks on the House.” Are Tee Partiers drinking on the plane? You bet.  Note: The Pentagon has over 1000 Generals and Admirals (ie. “good old boys”), and runs a staggering 234 golf courses around the world for them and their families and political friends, at a cost that is undisclosed. One stunning 7,000-plus yard layout shares the same foothills terrain as does the legendary Broadmoor, just 20 minutes to the south in Colorado Springs. Ponderosa pines, pinon and juniper line the fairways with rolling mounds, ponds and almost tame deer and wild turkey.” (The Department of Defense did come under fire a number of decades ago when it was discovered that the toilet seats at this course cost $400 a pop.) For those Congressmen who are visiting Paris on vacation this week, here’s a primer, below. (They will, no doubt, be in familiar territory, having dealt with people such as Senator Roadblock and Congressman Prevarication before.)

Shocking Look INSIDE the Bush Library

“Psssttt…”

The George W. Bush Presidential Library was unveiled today, and included many speeches written by speechwriters and screenwriters. But the shocking truth was revealed when the building’s skeleton key finally opened the doors. Inside, visible in the dim light, were thousands of fake books, pages blank (except for picture books, and the collected works of Dr. Seuss.) Bush wasn’t too happy, either, when Michelle Obama tried to get him to read to reporters from “The Cat in the Hat.” So some Dummies series books were quickly and quietly trucked in, and in the meantime Bush saved face by reading the book he’d read to kids when he’d last actually completed a book, on Sept. 11, 2001.

Hacker Attack Traced to Wall Street Quants

Quants on Wall Street are suspected of hacking the AP and causing a 143 point drop in the Dow. They then made buys on falling stocks and generated millions in profits. “This is a very creative move, and these guys are the smartest in the room,” cheered Jeff Skilling, formerly of Enron. It is unclear what room Skilling is referring to, and the FBI is investigating. Skilling’s current room is at a Federal Correctional Facility in Littleton Colorado. (Perhaps he meant the Romper Room? Blowing up the White House was big there, especially among kids destined to become Hollywood script writers.)
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Word of the Day
“Quant“: A quantitative analyst whose job it is to provide his employer with means by which to maximize profit at all cost to their clients. Historically, the quant caused the Great Recession by creating complex financial instruments like credit default swaps, thereby shunting risk onto the taxpayers (ie. grandma and grandpa), reducing their funeral processions to two drunken uncles and a casket salesman who once sold used Chevy Comets. A quant’s habitat is usually the upper floors of upscale buildings, particularly penthouses. Drug of choice is Peruvian cocaine, while their clients typically take more dangerous drugs, like those advertised on TV, such as for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, heartburn, or depression. Call your doctor right away if you notice itching, hives, swelling, trouble breathing, blistering, bloody or tarry stools, nausea, spasms, confusion, cramps, diarrhea, gas, fever, projectile vomiting, or vampirism. 

Moon to be Used for Advertising

That’s right, the moon is destined to become a giant billboard in the sky. So look elsewhere for inspiration or romance. Who is behind this? The exclusive and shocking details are revealed in the video below…

April fools.