Taylor Swift’s Cat Takes on Congress

“Kneel and tremble…”

Congress is stagnant, entrenched, and blocking the path to progress. And since we listen to and believe more in talking fruit and superheroes to save us from those scientifically proven zombies coming, who better than a cat with her own fan club? Meet Meredith the Cat, if you haven’t already. Not only has she better ideas than three hundred Senators, Congressmen, and Governors put together, but she can out-pitch her ideas better than Felix “The Cat” Hernandez of the Seattle Mariners (who earns $19 million, and just signed a 7 year extension worth $175 million.) By comparison, Meredith has 9 lives, hasn’t used the first one yet, and so doesn’t need an extension. Her life companion, Taylor Swift, has proven more devoted than any man, and just bought a house for them in Rhode Island for $17 million in cash, on a salary of $57 million…more than Rihanna, Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber, or Katy Perry. Also, Taylor’s father is a financial adviser for Merrill Lynch. So maybe her cat does deserve to be heard in Washington! (They listen to bankers more than anyone else, for those kickbacks under the table.) In short, those fat cats refuse to budge, but just maybe—this time—a full frontal assault on their insane stances will limit all terms of engagement.

Randy Jackson Disappears After Idol

Upon leaving American Idol, Randy Jackson has disappeared, and Sylvia Browne is wrong again about where…only NEN has the scoop on where Jackson and the other original cast members have gone: That’s the signpost up ahead, their next stop…the Twilight Zone. No, this doesn’t mean they’ve become vampires. (Everyone else has.) In truth, they’ve all been sent to the cornfield…(that’s where Coke gets the “sugar” for its high fructose corn syrup, so this is also very appropriate or ironic, as Rod Serling would put it.) Details in the video below. Taking Randy’s place next season will be motivational guru Anthony Robbins, who long ago made a pact with the devil (Rhonda Byrne.) Due to this, Tony will, no doubt, bring back those ratings being lost to The Voice. Tony’s barber, Carl Wishnick, succeeded in getting him the job by telling Yahoo that he believed Robbins was the AntiChrist. “Oh God, well, he’s got these numbers on his scalp, you know,” Wishnick confided. “Looks like three sixes, but they could be nines. I did an etching, using a newspaper, when Tony fell asleep once in my chair. I’m offering to sell it for, say, fifty grand, if anyone’s interested.” When asked if that was the going rate Carl placed on his own soul, Wishnick got nervous and claimed the three numbers he found were part of a series, perhaps of a numbered Swiss account related to his Coke contract. Next year American Idol is planning to have judges catapult up onto swings, propelled by light fountains (whenever they choose a singer.) “These will be called ‘chariots of fire,’” says Ryan Seacrest, “so we won’t be singing ‘swing low, sweet chariot’ next season, I can tell you that!” Robbins will also fix it so that Seacrest can win a seat in Congress, since he has big plans for Washington as well. Stay tuned.

Justin Bieber & Britney Spears Disappear

Justin Bieber? Britney Spears? No one is quite sure who they are anymore. The year is 2113, as imagined by the supercomputer Deeper Thought. (Actually, it’s our own reporter Ryback Solomon, who is in a coma and connected to a quantum mechanical EEG 2.0 machine that interprets brain patterns and dreams. Top secret stuff. Apparently, people in a coma can see the future. …Hey, if pseudo-scientists can claim quantum effects to write books like The Secret, why not me and you??) Actually, my point here is that pop music gets millions of hits that serious musicians do not. Justin and Britney’s music is now known by everyone, while far fewer have ever actually listened to musical geniuses. Take the Chopin piece below, performed by the winner of the last International Chopin competition. (No, it didn’t even make PBS.) The number of hits on this video, posted early last year, hasn’t even reached 2000, while 50 Cent gets 50 million. My point? You’d have to watch the loop of Britney above for months on end to come close to the number of hits she gets for every song. But in a hundred years (if the human race survives, of course), more people on the street will have heard of Chopin. Irony? Not really. Time decides who is a fad and who genius. Salieri or Mozart? Mozart. The Who or The Beetles? “Who’s Who?” they might ask, yet know The Beetles. It’s hard to say. I was just reviewing a book by John D. MacDonald, and thinking about all the bestselling slasher or vampire books out there in comparison. There really is no comparison. When something is unique, time decides. I will put James Lee Burke up against all of the current top bestselling authors, and say there is no comparison. It’s like a grass fed filet mignon against those three dozen feed-lot fed hogs that went into that sallow hot dog on sale at the Piggly Wiggly. It’s like Avatar vs. Battlefield Earth, or Life of Pi vs. Troll 2. All of which said so that you’ll take an actual 7 minutes and watch this video, then tell me you were not moved (at which point I will recommend a psychiatrist to help you avoid taking an AK 47 to the next Batman sequel.) If you like this, check out my short essay on what an artist is here. Enjoy.

       

Mrs. Yuja Lang wears Vera Wang

Yuja Wang and Lang Lang were married this week in a private ceremony attended by family, friends, and Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao, who arranged the event and served Dim sum, Shou Mian, and Water Chestnut Cake in practice for his appearance on The Next Iron Chef. Yuja wore a Vera Wang dress under direct order by Party Planners. The couple were asked to perform, after sampling the cuisine, and although the newlyweds didn’t finish the meal, Lang said he did like dessert. Lang chose the Revolutionary Etude by Chopin, and Wang the Visions Fugitives by Prokofiev. Then they did an encore duet of a Johnny Paycheck song, minus the lyrics, followed by a Tammy Wynette tune in the key of D. The unhappy couple went on honeymoon to Las Vegas, where, after their annulment, they will appear in the final results show of America’s Got Talent, singing “I Did It My Way” and “You Can’t Tell Me What to Do” by Jason Dakota. Fresh from her own divorce, Vera Wang approved Yuja taking the dress off, but nonetheless winced when Yuja poured lighter fluid on it and “flicked-a-Bic.”

Yuja has a sense of humor, and is one of my favorite people on the planet. Be sure to check out my brief interview with Yuja here.

50 Cent Buys Island Universe

In order to one-up Oracle billionaire Larry Ellison, 50 Cent has purchased the Milky Way. No, not a candy bar company, but the actual galaxy in which we all reside. There is no word yet on whether he’ll let us stay, or what kind of taxes he might impose. As you know, Ellison purchased a Hawaiian island recently to add to his collection of yachts, jets, houses, and other “bling.” So the king of bling has decided to be first among other rich rappers to lay claim on the universe itself. As Ryback Solomon of NEN reports, “Fifty wasn’t sure how much to pay for the universe, or to Whom. So he decided that all the petty cash laying around the house would do, since there’s no more music videos to make featuring money anyway. It came to fifty thousand dollars in fifty dollar bills, or one thousand bills. He couldn’t burn them on camera, since that was against the law, so he decided to eat them…with a side order of potato salad. The money was washed first, to remove the cocaine and perfume. So far no one has explained to 50 that the Milky Way is only one galaxy of billions in the universe, and that no one really “owns” anything, much less everything. (Or that Ellison intends to donate 95% of his wealth to charity, as Bill Gates is currently doing.) What’s important to the people around 50 is that they remain around him, and don’t have to apply for a government job in the Federal Reserve in order to handle cocaine-tainted money.” The Humble Space Telescope is now attempting to find the edge of 50′s ego, along with various other rappers, sports gods, and banking CEOs. So far it has only uncovered new supermassive black holes of debt amid the dense clouds of Hollywood star formation, soon to be chronicled on Direct TV’s History Channel…along with infomercials for vortex vacuum cleaners and diamond-encrusted vanity mirrors.