Jack Reacher 2 Announced

Jack Reacher has promised to punish more people who have escaped the law, this time on Wall Street. In the new movie he will target CEOs whom the FBI cannot touch because they have paid off politicians for favorable legislation. A homeless man camped out in a park is half beaten to death by inside traders, and Reacher has been summoned to dispense justice just for us, and not them (ie. “just us” justice.) Can he Just Do It, or not? Watch the video below and see. (By the Way, Reacher is the creation of Lee Child, whom I once interviewed, and Lee’s fan club call themselves “Reacher Creatures.” Zombies? No, that would be those who buy guns thinking they need to protect themselves from the coming zombie apocalypse …instead of the collapse of the dollar due to catastrophic health care costs.) Thanks, Discovery Channel! Now let’s discover some viewers whose brains haven’t been eaten by TV.

Also coming, starring a woman who says she’s “too attractive to work:” NOTTING HILL 2

BATTLEFIELD EARTH 2

These days, people are willing to die for their beliefs. The scary thing about this is that people (esp. those who’ve given up on trying to understand the scientific method) can believe just about anything (including UFOs from Altair, zombies, vampires, or a 100% safe America.) Imagine, now, if Scientologists, instead of covering up their core beliefs, began demanding that everyone become a Scientologist…and they starting bombing people who aren’t. Didn’t L. Ron Hubbard claim that millions of years ago thetans from another planet were blown up in volcanoes with atomic bombs, and that you need to be “cleared” from their wandering spirits? Okay, now imagine John Travolta in BATTLEFIELD EARTH 2. The original was based on a book by Hubbard, partly financed by Travolta (a Scientologist), and involving a race of aliens called the Psychlos (Scientologists hate psychiatry) who enslave humans to get gold (much like Scientology wants their member’s gold.) The movie “bombed,” and was called the worst movie since Plan 9 from Outer Space. The Washington Post said, “A million monkeys with a million crayons would be hard-pressed in a million years to create anything as cretinous.” (Later came Movie 43, though, called “the Citizen Kane of awful.”) The plot for our sequel (and contender for worst ever) has Travolta as terrorist (shades of Swordfish), acquiring nukes from North Korea (Kim Jong un now being a Scientologist), and creating headaches for Stan (who just wants to save his daughter, to be played by the “love” child of Kim and Kanye.) The secret password to disable America’s defenses (in South Korea) is “Sequester.” Travolta also plans to blow up the Dalai Lama in order to stop him from writing books about peace and happiness (free of Coca-Cola.) He will leave the Middle East alone since they will eventually blow themselves up. He wants to blow up mega churches in the U.S. too, but only because there are so many Super Bowl fans there, and the Super Bowl is many months away. There is also Chinese backing for his plan, since China is tired of North Korea’s lunacy, and expects John McCain to go ballistic on them in retaliation. (Blowing up the Dalai Lama is fine by McCain, though.) In the end Sea Org ships transport Kim (and Kim) to North Vietnam to set up base there, while, meanwhile, Travolta and Kanye shack up in Montana (on the run from pre-cog law enforcement played by Tom Cruise) since Travolta has come out on a number of non-permissible levels (including leaving the church.) A side plot involves replacing the granite figures on Mt. Rushmore with the former cast of Friends. BATTLEFIELD EARTH 2: Plan 10 From Outer Space will be sponsored by Imodium A-D, Zoloft, Lipitor, and Alka-Seltzer. Advertising budget is $155 million, ensuring, this time, that it will succeed at the box office (which is all that really matters to “anyone who’s anyone”), and also that it will win 9 Razzie Awards, since the original only won 8 Razzies as Worst Picture, Worst Director, Worst Screenplay, Worst Actor, plus (two) Worst Supporting Actors, a Worst Supporting Actress, and Worst Screen Couple (Kim and Kanye haven’t made a Hollywood movie yet.) Oh, and it is to be produced by Ron Howard’s Imagine Entertainment. Or not.

PREMIUM RUSH 2 to Star Lance Armstrong

Cycling ace Lance Armstrong has been convicted of stealing yellow shirts from the same store for over a decade, and is under house arrest. “He was really addicted to shoplifting,” said Sports Authority store security guard Xxxxx Xxxxxxxx in a heavily redacted affidavit. “And I can tell you that I personally witnessed him taking the labels off xxxxxxx in the xxxxxxxx room on several occasions. Some of the jerseys had logos on them, too. One said USPS, but he left that one behind because it had a red stain on it. I’m not sure if that was from ink or blood, but I tell you I’ll never forget the day he went postal, it was really a xxxxxxx shame. I hear he’s called us all dopes now.  What ya gonna do?” The sport, of course, will recover. . . as every religion always has in the past. We do have one thing on HIGH AUTHORITY, though: Lance will soon be starring in PREMIUM RUSH 2. Is all forgiven? Is it Oscar time for Lance? You decide, after seeing the video below…skip the ‘great deals on ebay,’ though.

Deleted Oprah interview segment:
O:  It also says here you have a big heart.
L:  I do. I have a big, big heart.
O:  No, I mean a large heart. Literally. As in freakishly huge, which you were born with, and which is able to pump more blood and oxygen than–-
L:  Oxygen. Ha ha!
O: –-than the average Joe or Jane. It’s a one-in-a-million heart th–-
L:  Not in a million little pieces, though!
O: –-that, together with performance enhancing drugs, puts you out in front, giving the typical athlete without drugs zero chance of catching you. …Not even a prayer. That’s funny too, in a way.
L:  Yeah, baby! Now you’re getting it.

Star Trek Into Darkness

“When you turn to the camera, look pissed and say, ‘We’ll toast’em like a pack of Pop Tarts!’”

Have a new Dark Ages come to the Star Trek franchise? Flip a coin, as viewers appear to be in for another revenge film in the H3DE “high 3D effects” category. Once again, it may be that you get the entire story from watching the trailer. There may be little else, other than more explosions, chase scenes, and one-liners…with no actual SF writer like Harlan Ellison doing episodes like “The City on the Edge of Forever.” STID has young writers Robert Orci and Alex Kurtzman (“Transformers”), and Damon “Lost” Lindelof. Director J.J. Abrams wrote Super 8, Lost, and co-wrote the screenplay for Armageddon. None of these guys are very good at explaining their stories in terms of logic, and instead focus on visuals. What does this alone tell you? Welcome to Hollywood, circa 2013. Essentially, they are writing for teen viewers. Or as Roger Ebert emailed me, “They don’t make many movies for adults anymore. We live in desperate times.” Indeed. Making big bucks supersedes actually doing something new, or having something to say beyond the usual cliches. By “new” what THEY mean is more stunning visuals created by new high-tech cameras. They never seem to drop the quips or one-liners. Or make a real SF film, like 2001, instead of an “epic” comic book drama/comedy. Yes, Prometheus was an attempt, Damon, but even with Ridley Scott as director it wasn’t what it could have been. Better if Ridley had done a sequel or prequel to Blade Runner with David Webb returning as screenwriter. (Who also did Unforgiven.) …We now go to the only other franchise that most viewers know about, to interview two of the principal characters, (along with one more robot they might not from early in the long-running British show Dr. Who) for their take on this:
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NEN: What do you guys think of J.J. Abrams, the director of the new Star Trek, and also Super 8?
R2D2: Beeepbeeepbeeeeeeppppurrrrbeeelupppp.
C3PO: I think what R2 is trying to say is that J.J. doesn’t appear to know much about science.
K9: Their viewers don’t care. Historically speaking, science is irrelevant to people who just want to see good versus evil battle it out before the bad guys get blown up.
NEN: Uh huh. Well, what do you all think of H3DE?
R2D2: Beeeeeebeeeeeppppppppurrllleeeeeuppp.
C3PO: Oh, dear. R2 says that it makes him dizzy. As for me, I get nervous, but I’m okay with it so long as I survive the scene, and people don’t get to see my nostril hairs.
K9: I believe Abrams should reboot. He would have won Best Picture if he’d taken remedial physics, and shot Super 8 on a Super 8. Just look at The Hurt Locker. It beat Avatar, right?
NEN: Yes, and at that point we realized, for certain, that all is not right with the world. Much less Hollywood.

Mortal Kombat Legacy VS Client 9

“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…”

Mortal Kombat, designed for those who, like, don’t give a shit about politics, is a perfect duel between supernatural forces wielding unique weapons. It’s also soon to be a new movie. For those who see politics as mortal combat, however, there is the non-fiction movie Client 9. It’s about Eliot Spitzer, and his fall from grace in a sex scandal that Wall Street celebrated because now they wouldn’t have to change, and could go back to using the same unique and magical weapons that they’ve been using since the 1990s (which screw the little guy while buying politicians and building their bank accounts in the Caymans.) Who is in their pockets now? Practically everybody in New York and Washington. The movie makes the case that on one side you have immense corruption (evil on the scale of Mortal Kombat) going on, with grand larceny, bribery, fraud, and insider trading commonplace…on the other side you have one guy, as governor, who dared to lock horns with the raging bulls, (and who hated him with every ounce of their golden portfolios for daring to say that raping the taxpayer was wrong) sleeping around on his wife. Which crime is worse? A law of logic states that differences in degree constitute differences in kind. Logic goes out the window, though. His wife forgave him, the public did not. And Wall Street cheered. Champagne, all around! Back to the yachts, purchased in part by bankrupting grandma!  (BTW, if you’re here for Mortal Kombat the movie, try checking out Client 9 in the meantime. You don’t need a sword to kill. The stroke of the pen on a blank check can do it too.)