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Once upon a time little Lucy and little Lloyd were playing in the living room. Lucy got a doll house, and Lloyd got a toy tank. When they got to school, Lucy was heckled about how she dressed, and so became interested in fashion and makeup. Lloyd was shoved in the alley, and learned how to fight with brass knuckles. Now Lucy was always told, (everywhere she went), that she needed to lean on a man for security, and so finding the right one, (with the right prospects), was very important. Meanwhile, Lloyd was told he’d better learn to lean the right way or he’ll lose his teeth, and so he came to lean on people who got in his way. In the end Lucy married a rich man and moved into a nice suburban home with an SUV to drive around the little tykes she thought she needed to fulfill her destiny, while Lloyd took his tank to the bank on Wall Street, where he blew up both clients and competitors by making complex and strategic investments against their best interests while leaning on politicians to come through for him (after passing donations to campaigns under the table.) …Now you have the backstory of American culture. Enter Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook’s Chief Operating Officer, with a new book and a profile on 60 Minutes, saying that women can (and should) become leaders like the 96% of Fortune 500 CEOs (who are men.) Questions: should women want to “have it all” like she does? What would that mean, and what does success mean? Women have recently fought to go into the front lines of combat, and have accordingly been granted this “privilege.” But is it a good thing to die in futile and expensive wars perpetrated by fat cat Generals who sit on ergonomically engineered Captain’s chairs while munching on pork rinds? Is it a good thing to be able to lie to your customers and sales force in order to sell more tainted drugs (or the company’s stock) in order to be a bigger and better “success?” Women are even now sitting on the front row at cage fighting events, trying to beat down the feminine instincts that have been instilled in them for generations. NEN would like to say that women shouldn’t envy men, or try to emulate them. If the world were all men, after all, the human race would now be extinct…and not just for the obvious reason. The second reason is that men are taught to compete and kill (on the killing fields, or symbolically in sports), and not to cooperate. So we would have nuked the planet, leaving it for the rise of the machines. And we will be doing so sooner than expected if women become like men. Sandberg is not saying that women should abandon femininity and sensitivity, but some of her followers are not getting this message, and what some take from it is to be more like men. But do you really want climb up on the tank, and level the competition, “ladies?” Do you see the word “bitch” as men see “bastard” (ie. something to put on a resume)? Besides this, where’s our protection instinct when women are outwardly as cruel as a lineman going for an opponent’s bum knee? We’ll nuke each other out of frustration, as suicide…unless you can somehow get in control and calm us down… Or is that the plan? Maybe there’s a drug you have in mind. Maybe– …No, wait. Now I sound like that clown on UFO Hunters. Anyway, just think about it. Do you really want to look like one of those powerful men in the funny hats at the Vatican? (By the way, the next Pope will be chosen by the Arizona Cardinals in a secret game that will be played at midnight at Sun Devil stadium in Phoenix, sponsored by Cardinal Shower Enclosures.)
Ever since Adam tried to kiss Eve there have been certain instincts dominating the sexes. Basically, it comes down to men wanting sex and women wanting money to provide for babies. This is why men go out to do battle, and why women put on lipstick. Men know that if they kill and/or maim their fellows it will be less likely that nine to twenty-two rivals will offer their woman a bigger chunk of gold (resulting in her giving them the kiss-off.) Women know that if they play their cards right, and keep trading up, they will either end up with an airhead Fabio type or a dweeb supergeek with double the I.Q. and quadruple the bank account (albeit not shirt size.) Both are okay, so long as their babies are properly burped, fed, housed, and sent off to an Ivy League school. It is for this reason that marriage was invented: so that when the man decides to go for someone younger, he will be properly castrated financially. Such a sad story it all is. And all to produce little barfing, farting waste disposal units whose carbon feetprints will inevitably reach the end of the teeter-totter and flip the world toward its hellish fate. Can men ever back off their urge to pillage and rape? Can women ever abandon their instinct to “fulfill their destiny,” and just slap that silly bitch you’re having lunch with when she wonders aloud why you’re not married and pregnant yet? Here’s help. The top 10 reasons NOT to have a baby:
10) Because the decibel level of a baby’s voice box is higher than a jackhammer, locomotive, or jet engine.
9) Because you might have Siamese quintuplets when all you wanted was a Siamese cat.
8) Because nothing smells as bad as baby poo…not rancid mackerel, a weight lifter’s gym shoes, or even hubby’s bowling league buddies after they’ve been eating chili-cheeseburgers all night.
7) Because babies don’t come from heaven anymore. . . heaven has been out of babies for quite some time.
4) Because your baby might be switched at birth, and you won’t know it until nine years later when someone named Buttafuoco shows up.
3) Because your sweet innocent baby will one day have a nightmare in which you abused it, and will sue you. . . then use the money to later commit you into a nursing dungeon run by Nurse Ratchet.
2) Because as soon as your baby can talk it’ll start asking Why?, and you won’t know Why (anymore than your Senator can explain his expense account.)
Finally, 1) Because even if your kid could become President of the United States, you wouldn’t want to raise any child that way.
There are other reasons, of course. On the day of delivery, your ambulance driver may be forced to take the “scenic” route to the hospital due to the bumper-to-bumper traffic. Because although employers may still be forced to provide time off as a convenience to mothers, the only jobs left will be on night shift at convenience stores, for which you will need a Masters in Criminal Science and a black belt. Because that blank stare which babies give you will be repeated later in class, and then at age 30 in job interviews as they continue to live at home. The list goes on ad nauseam. According to the statistics, though, no one cares. Prejudice runs deep. I should get married, have some kids, be normal, get real, they tell me (as they seat me near the swinging kitchen door.)
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Samuel L. Jackson is returning for March Madness: Coach Carter 2.0, in which the coach flies around the country (coach) to straighten out the academic performance of high school teams, on a foundation grant set up by Michelle Obama. At playoff games he steps in at midpoint, accompanied by Rev. Peter Popoff and former lobbyist Jack “Casino” Abramoff, stopping the game with the question: “You really wanna end up like these clowns? Huh?” When everyone lowers their soda with widening eyes, the two ‘clowns’ give a little speech as part of their restitution agreements. Then the game resumes, with Coach Carter playing coach for both sides. And then the coach repeatedly calls time-outs to read out the academic reports of various players, using a bullhorn. He asks for pushups. He chides parents, particularly those whose young daughters are seen on DANCE MOMS. He vents his frustration with the state of education, asking why Chinese kids spend 80% more time in class than American kids do. He points up at the scoreboard, and then reads the real scores–the ones that actually matter if anyone present expects to have a job, even if they do go to college. Then he points out that the scoreboard itself was installed by the loving people at Coke, who wouldn’t care if your kids became diabetic losers parked in front of a TV at age forty. Then he wonders aloud why the NBA doesn’t raise the basket by two feet to make the game more interesting, since players are now two feet taller, on average, than when the game was created. Finally, he calls down dads from the stands to do pushups if they want their sons to continue playing. (After the game, in the cafeteria, the server repeatedly says “no soup for you” to those whose dads couldn’t do any pushups. Coach Carter high-fives The Soup Nazi, and together they sing a duet: the melodic stylings of Jerry Sandusky.)
In a surprise deleted scene not seen in theaters, Denzel Washington sets up a kind of “spook house” for ex CIA and FBI agents. Washington insiders and lobbyists are also waterboarded there so that they’ll spill the beans on payoffs and kickbacks made to Senators and Congressmen by financial institutions, car manufacturers, military contractors, fast food giants, cable companies, and others interested in maintaining deregulation of their industries. “The American people have been duped into believing terrorism is the gravest threat they face,” Denzel is heard to say, “but most of it is just a diversion of attention away from the corruption in Washington. Republican, Democrat? Don’t matter. It’s all diseased. And I’m the cure.” He then begins waterboarding people until the truth comes out that only by cleaning House (and Senate) with term limits can America be saved from repeating Greece, with riots in the streets. Subjects are handcuffed, blindfolded, and placed in the trunk of a Chrysler vehicle for transport to and from the fake front house, which has not been remodeled, renovated, or listed by anyone from House Hunters, Selling New York, Design Star, Bath Crashers, Kitchen Impossible, Property Virgins, Showhouse Showdown, Celebrities at Home, or others from HGTV, “other than Over Your Head, Extreme Living, Real Estate Confidential, and Home Strange Home.” If the Chrysler product (voted least reliable car) somehow stalls or dies to or from the Man Cave, “so do you,” says Denzel.
Identity Thieves Erect Post Office
In other news, the John Doe ring of identity thieves scored another win this week against the Jane Doe Society with a stunning post office replication maneuver sure to go down in the annals of Hackers Anonymous. Explains Gerald Gervis of the FBI, “After the Janes stole Christmas by hacking into Christmas club accounts set up by the Shriners for a group of under-privileged blind and disabled children, the Johns decided to best it by foregoing the internet all together and try a brick and mortar approach. So they leased a small foreclosed bank building around the corner from a real post office under a false name, and put U.S. Postal Service insignia on it. Soon they had customers by the dozen, who’d gotten tired of waiting in line for stamps behind people with ten parcels addressed to Afghanistan. The Johns had purchased stamps online prior to opening, too, using fake credit cards, and so they were selling stamps and pretending to process parcels and giving fake receipts and everything. The only machinery they had that really worked, of course, were the credit card readers, which collected pin numbers. In the end, they managed to tally over $8000 in fake sales per day for the week they were open, and not once did any real postal employee notice, since they were too busy and understaffed. . .although a carrier came by a couple times to deliver bulk catalogs addressed to ‘occupant,’ along with Burger King coupons for $2 Whoppers. The Johns even hired Christmas help for the fake office, and those employees were the only ones there when police finally investigated. Cops even reported that the help had not yet been paid but were still filing for unemployment, although one of them was a blind, disabled man with the I.Q. of a child. Just goes to show how smart and bold criminals are becoming. . . much more so than our wimpy elected officials. Listen, I’d like to answer more of your questions, but it’s lunch time and I’m getting as hungry as one of Pavlov’s dogs, after seeing all these flyers.”
We Bought a Zoo director Cameron Crowe based the film on the true experiences of Benjamin Mee, who refurbished a closed zoo in England in 2007. But in addition to changing the story to California, Crowe wanted to add a scene in which all the animals escape after the zoo is closed a second time due to foreclosure, falling under the axe of the Senate budget committee and the Super Committee, who would rather loose crocs, hippos, elephants, and lions onto American streets than to cut military spending. The last line of the film, uttered in unison by Matt Damon and Scarlett Johansson, was to be: “It’s a feeding frenzy out there, but at least they won’t need to worry about cleaning up road kill.”