How to Prevent Military Rape

Air Force Lt. Col. Jeffrey Krusinski has been charged with sexual battery after a woman reported he grabbed her breasts and buttocks in a parking lot in the early morning hours of Sunday, May 5, before fighting him off. The kicker? HE IS A SEXUAL ASSAULT PREVENTION CHIEF. Wow, who needs to write satire anymore? The headlines themselves are a joke. What’s next? The Air Force is requesting jurisdiction over the case, a “move” that is described as their “standard position.” Gees, they gotta go by the E.L. James rule book? Maybe what these people need to do is read WASHINGTON RULES by former Col. Andrew Bacevich, who suggests voters change the rules. (Term limits are a start.) As it is, the Pentagon thinks that not punishing victims who seek treatment is “change.”

In future news, do not be surprised to see a new magazine intended to hook future sports addicts even earlier…it will soon be making the way into toy stores.  Bundled with baby rattles and pacifiers, SPORTS ILLUSTRATED FOR INFANTS will feature no words, only pictures of pitchers, umpires, quarterbacks, etc. Some mothers are outraged at those photos which depict chewing tobacco, beer swilling, and half-naked men in Lazy boys munching potato chips, but little do they know that a pilot program is in the works to subliminally broadcast ball games into the wombs of mothers who opt for ultrasound. Stay tuned.

Terminator 5 Announced

Terminator 5: Family Die will be perhaps the most unique and original of the series, although Arnold is absent from the script. Inspired by Family Guy, the plot begins with the singularity (that moment when computers become sentient, often suggested as being 2045.) Instead of SkyNet, the entity is one massive ego—Sky Guy—who offers humans (and this means you) one year to either commit suicide with a katana (a la Tarantino) or download your consciousness into a machine to become a robot (with quantum help from Sky Guy, who figured out how in under an hour.) Meaning no one ever needs to eat or pollute or sleep again. Would you do it? Could you give up Coke and Pepsi, after so many billions spent in commercial brainwashing? What about French fries? Your party’s political views? In the movie, the Way family (in Shanghai) is the First Family, the test case family everyone is tweeting about. Because you can’t kill them, no matter how much you might want to. They are bullet and bomb proof. So…what’s it gonna be? Wanna be like them? Time is running out to decide. Humm. Do we hold onto our vices and delusions or live forever with a sky high I.Q.? Now there’s a plot.       

Matrix 4: Evolutions will also hit the big screen on the same day, April 1, 2014, with all your favorites reprising their roles. Unfortunately, it’ll be a spoof with cheaper special effects. The plot revolves around people giving up on looking for work or risking more babies, and taking the red pill (instead of the little blue one), then staying in their alien cubicles to watch reality TV, particularly Duck Dynasty and Mob Wives. J.J. Abrams will direct, since his command of science is on the level of Daffy Duck.   

Max Payne INTERVIEWS Max Brooks
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And now an interview with World War Z writer Max Brooks, interviewed by video game gunman Max Payne.
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Max Payne) So, dude, I see you were on Sons of Guns and The History Channel, talking about weapons to buy to use against zombies. And you’re not even a cartoon character like me. What gives?
Max Brooks) I love guns. Sue me.
MP) Okay, I just did on behalf of Marvel Comics and Rockstar Games.
MB) That was quick.
MP) Not really. Any twelve year old can change the clip of a Bushmaster quicker. …So, the Discovery Channel and History Channel believe in zombies, do they?
MB) Actually, I was talking about hordes. You know, crowds of young men attacking castles and caves and places like that throughout history. Hordes.
MP) Oh, I see. You mean like at soccer matches or monster truck rallies. But why are the examples shown all dead men come back to life? Where exactly has that happened lately?
MB) Congress, returned from recess? Just kidding. Okay, well…how about right now? You, for instance.
MP) I was never alive, Max.
MB) What about the other guy, Mark Wahlberg?
MP) He’s not here right now. I am. And I’m not a horde, looking to eat only very rare and never ever medium or well done meat for some nutjob reason no one has ever explained. It’s just me, here, right now, Max…with your weapon of choice.
MB) Stop aiming that thing at me!
MP) Why not? I’m not real. I’m just a character in a violent video game played by kids whose dads ignore them. So this gun can’t be real either, right? Stop sweating! You’ll be fine. Here, let me show you…
MB) Wait!!!!
MP) Oh, I know what you’re thinking… Did he fire thirty shots or only twenty-nine. Tell the truth, in all this excitement I kinda lost track myself. But bein’ this is the most popular assault rifle in the world…

Bush’s Speech in Caymans Leaked

Remember when George W. Bush gave a speech to offshore investors in the Caymans on the eve of the Obama’s second election, and the press was forbidden? Now the transcript has been leaked, enraging Republicans at its blasphemies. There was no mention of any 47%, or other ways the super rich could avoid taxes…or even hopes to maintain loopholes in the tax code. It is also why Romney’s campaign funding fell short of Obama’s. Here’s an excerpt:
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BUSH: “Friends, we’re really not so vastly superior to our ape cousins, but only two percent better. I know you don’t want to hear this, but, I mean, the data is in, and while that 2% DNA difference appears to be critical to comprehension, we Homo Sapiens are actually animals too, and the most dangerous of any to boot, and I mean that includes bears and sharks. Our long history of war and violence, including our capacity for cruelty, proves this. Like apes, don’t you ever get excited emotionally, and display territorial aggression, jumping up and down while pumping the air? I know I do. Ever watch ball games where fans paint their faces and act out ape-like behaviors, symbolically defending territory? Admit it. It’s always win-lose and never win-win. Right? Even while we ‘ape’ the apes, and think we’re so much better—with free will and a capacity for civilized behavior and cooperation—it’s all an illusion, really. We rarely take five minutes to consider what we do, while our primitive, reptilian brains jump at the chance for revenge. Who among you hasn’t succumbed to knee jerk anger, as the people outside your community gates suddenly seem bitter enemies worthy of vitriol and spittle? Suddenly we’re all fighting for real, propelling lumps of hot lead through the brains of our rivals while shouting obscenities reminiscent of monkey games! Right? Listen, for our party to find its soul again we need to stop invoking whatever jargon seems most likely to allow us to crush any infidels who don’t think like we do, just so we can hear the lamentations of their women. We gotta stop pushing buttons that drop multi-million dollar smart bombs in the desert without noticing the Wikileaks snitch who’s gonna email the pic to some news agency other than Fox on his smart phone. Sure, we can congratulate each other when the other team’s body count meets or exceeds Pentagon expectations, but listen up, folks…guns are tricky tools, not rat-a-tat toys. They jam, backfire, and cause those we’re aiming at to get more guns and aim back. What am I saying? Well, I’m not sure, but I think we need to look at the big picture here. We’re just knats bragging about our knuts. If we vanished tomorrow, the Earth would re-stabilize and continue to evolve, producing another intelligent species with its own chance at higher language and understanding. …I know, I know, maybe you’d rather argue over who will make the playoffs ’cause it reinforces your chest-thumping gorilla status. But come on! Don’t you want to advance past puberty? I know I do. Otherwise we’re all going extinct, just like the many species that vanished while you muttered ‘whatever’ and ordered another meat lovers pizza.”

Superbowl Halftime Change Announced

Superbowl ads: Scary but seductive

…and so, boys and girls, that’s how Al Gore’s appearance at the Superbowl was nixed by special interest lobbies currently decimating the environment in order to sell us more junk…by going on Al Jazeera with a call for carbon standards and accepting money on behalf of Earth from the Saudis, he was vilified by those companies in America who don’t care about anything except their quarterly profits…

Superbowl Sunday holds a big surprise at halftime as Al Gore steps to the stage and delivers a rap rendition of global warming science, backed up by Stephen Hawking in an solar powered wheelchair. Hawking’s digital accompaniment will be electronically enhanced with a pre-recorded musical track supplied by Lady Gaga and Beyonce (who quit over lip-syncing controversy.) Partial lyrics to the song have been obtained by Not Entertainment News, and appear below. After the song, Al will read a chapter from his new book THE FUTURE, which describes what will happen if NASCAR fans continue to get their way. The NFL, Coke and Pepsico have agreed to this unprecedented change of venue as their sole contribution to the environment for 2013…saving polar bears being disingenuous due to unprecedented ice melt. (Soon sand dunes in the Sahara will be freezing cold at midday, while in a million years Antarctica will return to Jurassic forestation long after homo sapiens are extinct. . . and New Orleans is the new Atlantis while Miami is a flooded graveyard of fading art deco.) In return for his appearance, Gore has agreed to appear in a GoDaddy ad and a fast food commercial for Chipotle Mexican Grill (grass fed beef) while driving a Hyundai Sonata Hybrid in Skechers tennis shoes.

“But we’re never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy…”

Lance Armstrong Never Had Cancer!

“Hey, if multinational corporations and politicians can claim whatever they LIEK, and it’s all about repeating stuff until everyone falls in line, shouldn’t SATIRISTS be able to say what they want too?”

The famed cyclist’s biopsy records, just released, reveal that his tumors were benign, In fact, they were not even tumors but brass enlargement implants. “He’s got brass balls,” Dr. Armand Hammer told us. “He was already a freak of nature, with abnormally large lungs and heart. We kept quiet about all this because winning is more important than the truth. What’s the truth? That we need to believe that if the average guy works hard he can do anything. Like maybe win six Tours in a row. Lance looks like an average guy, and so you think wow, maybe I got a shot too, if only I get up off this couch. Only looks are deceiving. You need a heart that pumps more blood than normal, like a big efficient engine that only one in a million get born with. Then you need some drugs to boost your muscular potential. Finally, you need brass balls to claim that you’re no different than the average Joe, only God gave you these super powers, see, and the ability to defeat even cancer by force of will…and so you deserve to be worshiped as well. Kinda like Kim Kardashian for being born with good bone structure and access to makeup.”

We now interrupt this blog with a relevant ad (in addition to the ones added by WordPress and Youtube.)
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