Category Archives: Military Machine
While everyone else was watching The Masters, war hero (and master hawk) John McCain was grinning ear to ear to hear that the Pentagon has ordered 13 more hover carriers, the first of which will bear his name. (Others to follow will be named in honor of other Senators who have resisted raising taxes on the rich.) How will they pay for it, and still keep all those foreign bases and golf courses open? No one is saying, although several Wall Street insiders, recently moved to Singapore, are tipping their glasses in farewell to the USA, having cashed in their Caymans accounts and purchased condos. “Maybe their only hope now are superheroes,” chuckled supervillain Lloyd Bankfine. In other news, Tom Cruise is under attack, not just from aliens in Oblivion (or evil thetans), but also from a sect of radical religious NASCAR fans, whose hypocrisy is evident in the video below. Do rabid sports fan-addicts have the right to criticize Tom? Just asking. You decide after seeing the vid. (News you don’t get on 60 Minutes anymore, tongue-in-cheek or not, since they have moved more towards covering how to throw a knuckle ball and cook Tex Mex…with only a nod toward the Pentagon’s futile battles overseas and the DEA’s futile trillion dollar battle against marijuana. “Give the people what they want!”)
The Secretary of Defense and his resident Gen. Duke Nukem have signed legislation allowing women to become what they’ve always dreamed of becoming: cannon fodder. As Hasbro’s has-been hero John McGame put it, “Women will now and forever equally enjoy the privilege of dying in meaningless wars for which we have no exit strategy.” Or as one female soldier who lost her legs said with a laugh, “I didn’t lose’em in a bar fight, ya know.” On the plus side, since no one is asking why we’re there or what we hope to accomplish, (anymore than concussion-damaged ex football players ask what “end zone” means, or road-kill rubberneckers ask what speed limits are for) those who depend on making weapons to keep their children in Big Macs won’t be losing their jobs to progress anytime soon… In other gun news, archeologists have found an alien laser pistol buried beneath the Sphinx, and have quit archeology in order to start up their own gun manufacturing plant to make more. Wal Mart has promised to market the pistol, which reportedly can kill an entire herd of buffalo with one sweep of the hand. At $149.99, the pistol will be popularly priced, and makes all previous models obsolete. Congress has been called back from Hawaii to work on a bill to ban the pistol, offering the developers a billion dollars to keep it off the market while making it available to their drone aircraft. But Sphinx Arms has declined, saying that everyone should be able to buy any weapon they like, and at the cheapest possible price, “kinda like beef or soda.” An emblem of the Sphinx will appear on the grip of the weapon, bearing an enigmatic yet feminine smile. Sphinx gas stations are preparing for possible assault, as is Ft. Knox, since just one of the pistols could potentially wipe out dozens of guards inside tanks, then melt its four foot thick stainless steel door, all with “one sweep of the hand.” What does this mean for society and our future? No one is asking but Al Gore, although answers to your questions about the playoff scores leading to March Madness can be obtained with the push of any other button.
“Peace cannot be kept by force, but by understanding.” —Albert Einstein
“Progress in technology is going up like a rocket ship, but social progress is a flat line.” —George Lucas
“They that take the sword shall perish with the sword.” —Jesus Christ, cheek turner
The grave of Charlton Heston was exhumed today and a musket taken from his cold, dead hands. Explains Sen. Alfred E. Newman, “To be fair to those grandmas who are strip searched at airports, we have to run a test on Heston’s weapon to be sure it wasn’t used in a crime. As you know, there is no statute of limitations on murder, so it’s possible the musket was used in the 1700s or early 1800s to hold up a saloon or convenience store, perhaps to put a musket ball into the brainpan of some luckless grade school dropout for a plug of chewing tobacco. Besides, Dick Cheney wants that gun for his collection, which is housed in a warehouse in McLean, Virginia next to an elementary school.” Secret documents leaked by Scooter Libby have revealed that Cheney owns forty-seven hundred assault weapons, including the tommy gun used by Al Capone in the St. Valentine’s Day massacre, not to mention the Batchekler violin which was originally in the violin case that later held the tommy gun. There’s also six thousand different pistols, including Hilter’s favorite Luger, an M1 Bazooka, an 81mm Mortar, a Russian Izhmash SV-98 sniper rifle, a Kalashnikov AK-12 prototype, an MPS AA-12 Assault Combat Shotgun, Gen. Patton’s silver .45 Colt, an arsenal of ammo, and a Sherman tank. There’s also the preserved wooden nostril of a Trojan horse, and four Hummers, (including one used in Desert Storm.) All of these items are protected by a single Ottoman style padlock for which a skeleton key is used. The warehouse in question once headquartered a manufacturing operation that made toasters (now made in Taiwan.) Security is provided by Protect America, which is also used by John Boehner to protect his warehouse, which once housed Graveland Tobacco, and which is also no longer in business (unlike the bigger tobacco firms whose lobbyists once had Boehner distribute checks for them to lawmakers on the House floor, prior to a vote.) Regarding Charlton Heston, he, like Reagan, was an actor. He owned a lot of guns, but kept them in a walk-in safe. Arnold Schwarzenegger is an actor and gun-lover too. No word on how many guns he owns…or what he plans to do with them when the economy collapses because our military budget is higher than everyone else’s in the world combined.
Two scripts are being shopped in Hollywood as possible sequels to the controversial movie ZERO DARK THIRTY. 1) “Zero Dark Forty” features a 40 year old Navy Seal virgin who attempts to convert to Islam on his deathbed so that he’ll have virgins in the afterlife, only to be waterboarded back to life and sent to Gitmo with Rosie O’Donnell. Rosie spends the bulk of the movie complaining that he’s bent over the toilet too long. Director of choice: Judd Apatow. 2) “Forty Dark Zero” takes its inspiration from “Boys From Brazil,” as forty Osama clones set up terrorist operations in the last remaining countries not yet containing U.S. military bases financed by the American taxpayer. Set in a future where costs have escalated to what is now being called the FBHD or Fiscal Black Hole of Doom, lawmakers struggle to maintain tax advantages for the upper class while doing commercials for Coke, Pepsi, and McDonald’s new Squirrel Sandwich. (Kicking the can down the road is no longer possible, since the last can was a Middle Class-made I.E.D., and exploded.) Mel Gibson and Bruce Willis have been sent the script, whose hero leads a ragged tag-team of former wrestling icons on a monster truck rally across African sands and veldts in an Incredible Race against the clock to crush the clones in Togo and Cameroon before they can produce clone armies of rag-head renegades. (Frequent gas shortages stall the vehicles while the clones pass puberty.) Meanwhile, back home, Admiral Les Beauregard and General Mitch Flipswitch lobby for bases to be built in those countries (which al Queda secretly planned) before private enterprise special force teams (not on the Pentagon payroll) prove to be more effective (and intelligent.) They fail, finally, to get the “required funding” for the bases because Americans are more afraid of starving to death than being ICBMed by illiterate Koran mis-interpreters. (According to Slayboy, anyway. What follows are two ads from that magazine, to hit newsstands soon:)
Introducing THE DUMB PHONE
Pewtiful People everywhere enjoy the low cost and convenience of owning the new low-tech Dumb Phone. The land line version features a crank drive for those who can’t afford electricity anymore, while the cell version boasts a late-to-the-art rotary dial! Ordering a pizza was never so fun as you stay up to exercise your imagination listening to LIGHTS OUT and other dramas on your crystal radio by candlelight. And the next day you’ll be able to look down your nose at those with no imagination, bankrupting themselves by watching American Idol or Sports Center on their “smart” phones, too! Think about it. With a high-tech phone you’re just a lemming at the cliff like everyone else, and no one will notice your plunge. But with the new rotary Dumb Phone, everyone will fall for you, asking you questions like, “How do you find directions to the nearest Starbucks or McDonalds on that thing?” To which you can shout (as they drop): “Do you think it was smart to drop a dozen million dollar smart bombs on sixteen dollar stucco huts in the middle of an Arabian desert?” The Dumb Phone: Because the higher the technology, the steeper the price.