Pentagon Unveils the USS John McCain

While everyone else was watching The Masters, war hero (and master hawk) John McCain was grinning ear to ear to hear that the Pentagon has ordered 13 more hover carriers, the first of which will bear his name. (Others to follow will be named in honor of other Senators who have resisted raising taxes on the rich.) How will they pay for it, and still keep all those foreign bases and golf courses open? No one is saying, although several Wall Street insiders, recently moved to Singapore, are tipping their glasses in farewell to the USA, having cashed in their Caymans accounts and purchased condos. “Maybe their only hope now are superheroes,” chuckled supervillain Lloyd Bankfine. In other news, Tom Cruise is under attack, not just from aliens in Oblivion (or evil thetans), but also from a sect of radical religious NASCAR fans, whose hypocrisy is evident in the video below. Do rabid sports fan-addicts have the right to criticize Tom? Just asking. You decide after seeing the vid. (News you don’t get on 60 Minutes anymore, tongue-in-cheek or not, since they have moved more towards covering how to throw a knuckle ball and cook Tex Mex…with only a nod toward the Pentagon’s futile battles overseas and the DEA’s futile trillion dollar battle against marijuana. “Give the people what they want!”)   

Leon Panetta Wants All Your Marbles

Another $79 BILLION of your money for pretty vapor trails

Defense Secretary Leon Panetta today said that if we cut the military budget we are mad. He said the world is unsafe and getting more unsafe and if you like safety rather than doom you must surrender your last marbles to the collection (stockpiles) now being played in the war rooms (playrooms) of the generals (along with large boxes of shiny medals.) They already have more marbles than anyone else, and haven’t managed to win any games, but no matter—if you have any marbles hiding in safety deposit boxes somewhere you need to hand them over, too. If you don’t have any marbles left, due to already handing them over, you need to train your kids how to hit the bricks, find agate, and learn to polish. “I don’t care how you do it,” Panetta says. Meaning you need to hold yard sales, melt down your jewelry, flog yourself with cut-glass whips, whatever it takes. He never mentioned TVs, though. TVs are the means by which scary messages and war clips are delivered. So keep the widescreen, and give him your toothpaste. What do you need toothpaste for? They now have the technology to turn it and lots of other non-essential items into marbles. So toothpaste is marbles. So is your kid’s future, but you’ve already handed that over. Let’s tally it up…for the past five decades we’ve spent more on our military than every other country in the world combined…the military is now building schools which are then bombed…all those countries really want us to just leave…we don’t leave because we believe we are sports legends who can still win it for the Gipper…for every terrorist we kill ten new ones are born…those people believe it’s the 14th Century…the Russians broke their backs in Afghanistan…and yet we are “mad” if we don’t continue funding new weapons systems we don’t even need with money we no longer have in order to keep the military from changing the strategy it’s had in place since the 1960s. Humm. Somebody needs to read Washington Rules by former Col. Andrew Bacevich. He says the Pentagon never changes and never learns. That they are gluttons feeding at buffets. Lots of meat on those buffets, too. Prime rib. Barbecue. Ice Cream sundays for dessert. Why do they eat better than us? Because they know how to wave flags, display medals, talk about bravery, warn about doom. Nobody likes doom, right? That’s why we support bases all over the world. Like in South Korea, which builds more ships and cars than we do. They don’t even use any U.S. parts, they manufacture their own. Humm. Of course Panetta understands this. He shakes his head and sighs. Easier to ask the American people to get a job and stop driving so much than to ask Generals to stop gorging at the buffet. Or to be smarter, or to go on a diet. Of course no one can ask the top 1% to give the same percentage they gave in the early 1990s. Or ask those faking disability or collecting welfare for non-existent children to cough up. He has to go where the money was—the middle class. …But it’s all dried up, Leon. What are you going to do now? Change? No. You’re going to go back to the office, and pull out that 50 year old Scotch, invite some good old boys over, and swap war stories from the past. And then you’re going to give the American taxpayer another “pony up or die” speech, saying how the economy is supported by military contractors (an argument that also works for the tobacco industry, or Coca-Cola, both of which, should they go away tomorrow, would result in dramatically lower health care costs for all Americans.) For the cost of the Afghanistan war alone, we could have built new roads and bridges across America, putting to work millions in the process. There would have been enough left over to protect airports and shipping docks, to fund (instead of cut) medical research, and to stabilize Social Security and Medicare. Instead we blew it all like a cokehead in a casino penthouse. With no end in sight. That’s right, folks…it’s like we’ve all stopped work and are playing Halo on an interconnected super X-Box on a diet of french fries and soda. Mom is banging at the door, saying it’s time to go to school. But Uncle Leon is playing marbles on the living room floor, and has lost a few under the couch, along with his keys. A tornado is coming, but Mom hasn’t seen it yet through the hall window. She doesn’t expect it, either, this being Phoenix, Arizona. Welcome to the real world, sports fans. Unpredictable as hell, isn’t it?

Click to see what’s Coming Soon

Women Approved to Become Cannon Fodder

The Secretary of Defense and his resident Gen. Duke Nukem have signed legislation allowing women to become what they’ve always dreamed of becoming: cannon fodder. As Hasbro’s has-been hero John McGame put it, “Women will now and forever equally enjoy the privilege of dying in meaningless wars for which we have no exit strategy.” Or as one female soldier who lost her legs said with a laugh, “I didn’t lose’em in a bar fight, ya know.” On the plus side, since no one is asking why we’re there or what we hope to accomplish, (anymore than concussion-damaged ex football players ask what “end zone” means, or road-kill rubberneckers ask what speed limits are for) those who depend on making weapons to keep their children in Big Macs won’t be losing their jobs to progress anytime soon… In other gun news, archeologists have found an alien laser pistol buried beneath the Sphinx, and have quit archeology in order to start up their own gun manufacturing plant to make more. Wal Mart has promised to market the pistol, which reportedly can kill an entire herd of buffalo with one sweep of the hand. At $149.99, the pistol will be popularly priced, and makes all previous models obsolete. Congress has been called back from Hawaii to work on a bill to ban the pistol, offering the developers a billion dollars to keep it off the market while making it available to their drone aircraft. But Sphinx Arms has declined, saying that everyone should be able to buy any weapon they like, and at the cheapest possible price, “kinda like beef or soda.” An emblem of the Sphinx will appear on the grip of the weapon, bearing an enigmatic yet feminine smile. Sphinx gas stations are preparing for possible assault, as is Ft. Knox, since just one of the pistols could potentially wipe out dozens of guards inside tanks, then melt its four foot thick stainless steel door, all with “one sweep of the hand.” What does this mean for society and our future? No one is asking but Al Gore, although answers to your questions about the playoff scores leading to March Madness can be obtained with the push of any other button.
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“Peace cannot be kept by force, but by understanding.” —Albert Einstein

“Progress in technology is going up like a rocket ship, but social progress is a flat line.” —George Lucas  

“They that take the sword shall perish with the sword.” —Jesus Christ, cheek turner

Gun Taken from Charlton Heston’s Hands

The grave of Charlton Heston was exhumed today and a musket taken from his cold, dead hands. Explains Sen. Alfred E. Newman, “To be fair to those grandmas who are strip searched at airports, we have to run a test on Heston’s weapon to be sure it wasn’t used in a crime. As you know, there is no statute of limitations on murder, so it’s possible the musket was used in the 1700s or early 1800s to hold up a saloon or convenience store, perhaps to put a musket ball into the brainpan of some luckless grade school dropout for a plug of chewing tobacco. Besides, Dick Cheney wants that gun for his collection, which is housed in a warehouse in McLean, Virginia next to an elementary school.” Secret documents leaked by Scooter Libby have revealed that Cheney owns forty-seven hundred assault weapons, including the tommy gun used by Al Capone in the St. Valentine’s Day massacre, not to mention the Batchekler violin which was originally in the violin case that later held the tommy gun. There’s also six thousand different pistols, including Hilter’s favorite Luger, an M1 Bazooka, an 81mm Mortar, a Russian Izhmash SV-98 sniper rifle, a Kalashnikov AK-12 prototype, an MPS AA-12 Assault Combat Shotgun, Gen. Patton’s silver .45 Colt, an arsenal of ammo, and a Sherman tank. There’s also the preserved wooden nostril of a Trojan horse, and four Hummers, (including one used in Desert Storm.) All of these items are protected by a single Ottoman style padlock for which a skeleton key is used. The warehouse in question once headquartered a manufacturing operation that made toasters (now made in Taiwan.) Security is provided by Protect America, which is also used by John Boehner to protect his warehouse, which once housed Graveland Tobacco, and which is also no longer in business (unlike the bigger tobacco firms whose lobbyists once had Boehner distribute checks for them to lawmakers on the House floor, prior to a vote.)  Regarding Charlton Heston, he, like Reagan, was an actor. He owned a lot of guns, but kept them in a walk-in safe. Arnold Schwarzenegger is an actor and gun-lover too. No word on how many guns he owns…or what he plans to do with them when the economy collapses because our military budget is higher than everyone else’s in the world combined.

Heston was secretly in favor of our proposal that, if everyone can have any gun they want, it should be an automatic death sentence for anyone to use a gun in the commission of any crime…executions to be performed in public by firing squad consisting of gang members with AK 47s.

Zero Dark Thirty: The Sequel?

Two scripts are being shopped in Hollywood as possible sequels to the controversial movie ZERO DARK THIRTY. 1) “Zero Dark Forty” features a 40 year old Navy Seal virgin who attempts to convert to Islam on his deathbed so that he’ll have virgins in the afterlife, only to be waterboarded back to life and sent to Gitmo with Rosie O’Donnell. Rosie spends the bulk of the movie complaining that he’s bent over the toilet too long. Director of choice: Judd Apatow. 2) “Forty Dark Zero” takes its inspiration from “Boys From Brazil,” as forty Osama clones set up terrorist operations in the last remaining countries not yet containing U.S. military bases financed by the American taxpayer. Set in a future where costs have escalated to what is now being called the FBHD or Fiscal Black Hole of Doom, lawmakers struggle to maintain tax advantages for the upper class while doing commercials for Coke, Pepsi, and McDonald’s new Squirrel Sandwich. (Kicking the can down the road is no longer possible, since the last can was a Middle Class-made I.E.D., and exploded.) Mel Gibson and Bruce Willis have been sent the script, whose hero leads a ragged tag-team of former wrestling icons on a monster truck rally across African sands and veldts in an Incredible Race against the clock to crush the clones in Togo and Cameroon before they can produce clone armies of rag-head renegades. (Frequent gas shortages stall the vehicles while the clones pass puberty.) Meanwhile, back home, Admiral Les Beauregard and General Mitch Flipswitch lobby for bases to be built in those countries (which al Queda secretly planned) before private enterprise special force teams (not on the Pentagon payroll) prove to be more effective (and intelligent.) They fail, finally, to get the “required funding” for the bases because Americans are more afraid of starving to death than being ICBMed by illiterate Koran mis-interpreters. (According to Slayboy, anyway. What follows are two ads from that magazine, to hit newsstands soon:)
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Introducing THE DUMB PHONE
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Pewtiful People everywhere enjoy the low cost and convenience of owning the new low-tech Dumb Phone. The land line version features a crank drive for those who can’t afford electricity anymore, while the cell version boasts a late-to-the-art rotary dial! Ordering a pizza was never so fun as you stay up to exercise your imagination listening to LIGHTS OUT and other dramas on your crystal radio by candlelight. And the next day you’ll be able to look down your nose at those with no imagination, bankrupting themselves by watching American Idol or Sports Center on their “smart” phones, too! Think about it. With a high-tech phone you’re just a lemming at the cliff like everyone else, and no one will notice your plunge. But with the new rotary Dumb Phone, everyone will fall for you, asking you questions like, “How do you find directions to the nearest Starbucks or McDonalds on that thing?” To which you can shout (as they drop): “Do you think it was smart to drop a dozen million dollar smart bombs on sixteen dollar stucco huts in the middle of an Arabian desert?” The Dumb Phone: Because the higher the technology, the steeper the price.
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