Tucson Man Threatens to Launch Missile

North Korea has nothing on US, when it comes to nuts. Horror or humor? You decide.

A HELPING HAND (a radio drama)

{SFX:  A screen door opens and shuts.  Walking across floor.  Freddy’s voice is somewhat wimpish.}

FREDDY}  What’s wrong with you two?  Look like the world just ended.
{SFX:  Woman takes puff at cigarette.}
MOTHER IN LAW} You’ve done it this time, haven’t you.
FREDDY}  Look, you can have the car now.
MOTHER IN LAW}     The Rambler?  That’s generous.  You know you coulda bought a luxury car for the same price as that thing out there.  What were you thinking?
FREDDY}    No, what were you thinking?  That you’d drive some new car? A Lexus, maybe?  That it?  I’m the one with the job here, Edna.
{Mother in law laughs.}
FREDDY}    I told you I wanted my own transportation.  I’m tired of waiting for you to show up after one of your shopping sprees halfway across Tucson. . .spending my money. {A beat}  Our  money.
MOTHER IN LAW}  You did this on purpose, didn’t you?  So we couldn’t drive     it.  You’re too much of a wimp for something that big, anyway.  And the payments on that. . .thing.  How are we gonna afford something new around here now?  You think my Social Security will pay for it?  Eh, Freddy?
FREDDY}    Pay for what?
MOTHER IN LAW} For a baby.
FREDDY}    But. . .we don’t have a baby.
WIFE, sobbing}    And we never will.
{SFX:  MUSIC:  “Born To Be Wild.” A Harley motorcycle is heard to start up, after several attempts to kick-start it fail, with muffled curses. The motorcycle pulls away finally, and roars down the street.  Traffic sounds as the big bike roars through it.  Transition, the music and traffic fades.  Freddy is touring now, and the motorcycle gives a steady rumble.  Freddy’s unspoken thoughts are heard.}
FREDDY, filtered}  Finally, I can hear myself think. . . freedom. . . yes. . .way out here on a dirt road, away from the traffic, away from. . . from everybody. . . almost like I never married Julie and. . . her mother. . . almost. . .
MOTHER IN LAW, filtered memory}  You’re too much of a wimp for something that big, anyway.
FREDDY, laughing}  Right.  But I got the last laugh, didn’t I, Edna?
{SFX:  The motorcycle is heard to dwindle away, along with Freddy’s laughter.  From a long distance now it is heard to approach.  A cow’s mooing is heard as it ambles through the thickets.  The motorcycle gets louder as the cow pads across the dirt road.  Then the motorcycle roars closest. . . a scream, a braking, and the long slide of a wreck.  The cow moos again, and ambles back into the thicket.  The motorcycle coughs and dies.  A bird is heard.  Then a moan.  A panting as Freddy turns over, pushes the motorcycle off him, and gets up.}
FREDDY, filtered thoughts} Didn’t see him. . . too late. . . damn. . . damn. . . but hey. . . doesn’t look too bad. . . just a broken mirror. . . lucky it was dirt, and I’m wearing leather. . . now, get my breath. . . get it back up from this ditch. . .
{SFX:  Straining as Freddy tries to lift the bike.  It moves but settles back.  He tries again, without luck.  It gives a little beep.}
FREDDY, filtered} Damn. . . too heavy. . . too big. . . too big for me. . . damn. . . need help. . .
{SFX:  Sound of keys, as he gets them.  Panting and then walking across dirt and gravel.}
FREDDY, filtered}   Where am I?  . . .Way out in the middle of nowhere, in the desert. . . scrub brush, mesquite, open rangeland. . . maybe if I climb this hill I’ll see the highway. . . route eighty-three connecting to the interstate. . . maybe there’s a ranch house . . .someone to help. . . geez, starting to get hot already . . .
{SFX:  The walking becomes uneven as Freddy climbs uphill, panting and brushing past bushes}
FREDDY}   Ouch!
FREDDY, filtered} Cactus. . . sharp. . . scrapes on my new leather now, great. . .almost to the top. . .
{SFX:  Grunting and final quick climbing, then panting silence.  Wind whistles in the cactus spines.}
FREDDY, filtered} There’s eighty-three, way over there. . . but what is that? A big hump in the desert. . . like an igloo. . . a house,     maybe?  . . . One of those environmentalist wackos, they would hate motorcycles too, worse than Edna.  
MOTHER IN LAW, filtered memory} Don’t you blame me, Freddy.  I’m not to blame.  You shoulda seen what was ahead for you.  You was born to lose.
FREDDY, filtered} Yeah, right. . .  Whatever it is, gotta get past it, over the fence beyond, and over to eighty-three. . . then I can put out my thumb. . . a little traffic over there. . . tourists looking at the saguaros and coyotes. . . maybe somebody’ll stop, take pity. . . getting thirsty. . .
{SFX:  He hurries down the slope, occasionally scraping himself and cursing.  Then he walks over gravel, evenly again.}
FREDDY, filtered} Weird looking thing, all concrete. . . no windows or doors. . . a big concrete igloo sticking up outta the sand. . .what in the devil is it?
{SFX:  A deep humming sound is emitted as Freddy pauses.}
FREDDY, filtered} What the hell is that? . . . It’s coming from inside the thing.
FREDDY, loudly}  Anybody here?
{SFX:  The humming is accompanied by a mechanical rumbling, as if a metal door was sliding open underground.}
FREDDY, filtered} Wow, actually felt that . . . in the ground.  What is this, power plant, relay station?  Buried cable, maybe.  
{SFX:  Walking continues}
FREDDY, filtered} Gotta get over the fence, get to the highway, get help. . .
{SFX:  Walking stops, then scratching sound as wire twangs and Freddy attempts to get over the fence.}
FREDDY, filtered} Damn.  Gotta get the top wire off. . . I’ll use this rock.
{SFX:  A hammering sound as Freddy uses a rock on the fence post.  A distant walking sound approaches, but Freddy is grunting with the effort of hammering.  Then a gun is cocked.  An old man speaks.}
KYLE}  Can’t read signs?
FREDDY}    Who. . . whaaa–?  
KYLE}  You heard me.  Like the one back there at the. . .Well, I’ll be damned, they did it again.
FREDDY}   Did what?
KYLE} Or maybe it was you did it.  You take down the chain with my sign on it?
FREDDY}    What sign?  Didn’t see no damn sign.
KYLE}  Keep out sign.  Means—
FREDDY}    Don’t point that thing at me!  There was no sign.  I wrecked by bike over there, and I need help lifting it.  . . . Damn it.
KYLE, chuckles} . . . Nice jacket. . . Name’s Kyle Sommers.  This is my place, now.
FREDDY}   Your. . . place?
KYLE} Bought it for a retirement home years ago. Went on vacation to see my son in Florida a month ago, an’ when I got back somebody had stolen my sand.  It’s high grade stuff, that sand.  Air Force trucked it in here back in the 60s when they built this place.  Kept the place cool as a rabbit’s burrow.
FREDDY}    Or a snake’s.
KYLE}  What was that?
FREDDY}   Nothing.
{SFX:  Freddy drops the rock, they start walking slowly back across gravel}
KYLE}  Used a dump truck, the thievin’ bastards. Uncovered my control room.
FREDDY}   Control room?
KYLE}  A’ course.  This here’s an old Titan missile base, didn’t you know that?  
FREDDY}   Holy. . .
KYLE} Half a dozen of ‘em out in the desert.  One’s a museum, ya know.  Another was bought by some guy from New Jersey plans to turn it into a cafe.  The Lame Duck.
{Kyle chuckles}
FREDDY}    And you live here?
KYLE}  Why not?  Got a storage tank underground, fed by a well.  Generator too.  I burn candles mostly, though.  Make my own.
FREDDY}   Doesn’t it get. . . I mean. . .
KYLE}  Think I’m ready for the nursin’ home?  Not me.  It’s a kick fixing things up.  Actually, I bought two sites, use the other one for spare parts.   
FREDDY}   That so.
KYLE} Yes sir. . .got me a TV, books.  And there’s no chance of some punk comin’ in and holding a knife to my throat. An’ if there’s an accident at Hughes Missile systems in town?. . . or somebody drops the Big One?  I guess I’ll live through that too, won’t I.  Will you?
{Kyle laughs squeakily, and Freddy mimics the laugh.}
FREDDY}   Quite a hobby, I’ll admit that.  But you’re alone here, then?
KYLE} Wife’s in Florida with my son. ‘Cept he ain’t young anymore.  No sir’ee.
FREDDY}    They ever been here?
KYLE}  We’re not on speaking terms anymore.  Wife. . . she poisoned him against me.
{They stop walking.}
FREDDY}    You reckon you could give me a hand with my bike?  Ran into the ditch to miss a cow, and I can’t lift it.
KYLE} Sure, I suppose I could do that.  I keep fit. You wanna have a look-see at my setup first?  Don’t get many visitors.
FREDDY}    You got water in there?  I’m getting thirsty.
KYLE} ‘Course I got water.  Well water.  From deep.  There’s a reinforced tunnel other side. . . my pickup’s over there too.
{SFX:  They continue walking.}
KYLE}  See?  This way.
{SFX:  The walking finally stops.  A metal door is thrown open.  Then walking down stairs.  Their voices are heard as if in a tunnel.}
KYLE} I removed the unnecessary fixtures.  Just watch your head on the reinforcement bars.
{SFX:  They shuffle ahead, now.}
FREDDY}   What did you do?  I mean for a living.
KYLE}  I was an engineer.  Civil engineer.  You?
FREDDY}    I. . .ah. . . repair air conditioners.  Sell’em too.
KYLE}  That right?  Well, maybe you can help me with mine.
FREDDY}   What I mean is those small window units.  Don’t know much about industrial models.
KYLE}  You’ll have a look anyway, won’t you?
{They continue to move forward again.  Freddy doesn’t answer.}
KYLE}  I didn’t need it before, but with that sand gone, I. . .  Here we are.
{SFX:  Inner lock opens.  The door creaks open.}
KYLE} Watch your feet.
{SFX:  There are clicking and buzzing sounds, and a distant rumbling sound.}
FREDDY}   Holy mother of. . .  Don’t beam me up yet, Scotty!  What’s that rumbling sound?
KYLE}  Generator.  Don’t usually run it.  Uses fuel.
FREDDY}   Geez.
KYLE}  Monitors give readouts of system functions.  Temperature, humidity, that kind of thing.
FREDDY}   But. . . there’s a missile in there now!
KYLE}  Just a video tape, for effect.  Pretty authentic, eh?
{SFX:  Channel changing}
KYLE}  See, it’s a TV too.  The Price is Right.  And it was.
{Kyle laughs, and Freddy mimics then joins the laughter.}
FREDDY}    Those springs keep this room safe from shock waves?  
KYLE}    Handle anything but a direct hit.
FREDDY}    This is great.  Bit warm, though.
KYLE}    Got everything fired up right now, except that air conditioner.  Yes sir’ee, Bob.
FREDDY}   Freddy.
{Kyle chuckles.}
FREDDY}    You know you could get five bucks a head here, easy.  Run a tour!
KYLE}   Don’t have to do that.  Not yet.
FREDDY}   Damn lucky.
KYLE}   No, no.  It’s been hard work.  Hard—
FREDDY}    –You don’t know how lucky. . .  More lucky than me, stuck with Carol’s mother. . .an’ my boss. . . all the traffic in the city there.  Can’t get away.  Ya know?
KYLE}  You wanna lend me a hand with that air conditioner now?  Then I’ll help you with your bike.
FREDDY}   Can I get some water first?  
KYLE}    Yeah, sure.  Living quarters through there.
FREDDY}   Thanks.
{SFX:  Freddy walks over metal.  The clicking sounds behind him fade.}
KYLE, distantly}  Watch your feet.
{SFX:  Freddy slips, and recovers, then continues walking.}
FREDDY, filtered thoughts}  Hey, Edna, guess what?  I got me a missile bunker, and when the Big one hits you gonna be outside without a key.
EDNA, filtered}   Freddy. . .
FREDDY, filtered}  No grandson for you to poison against me, no ma’am.
EDNA, filtered}   Freddy, you come back here!  You hear me?
{SFX:  Edna’s last words echo into silence in his mind.  He stops walking.}
FREDDY, filtered}  Kinda bleak.  A single bare bulb, bare stone ceiling, Army cot, sink, dresser.  Toilet too, with the lid up.  Not married,     for sure.  No sir’ee, Bob.  . . . What’s this, though?  Odd photo.  That his son?  I shouldn’t, but. . .
{SFX:  A drawer sliding open}
FREDDY, filtered} Scrapbook.
{SFX:  Pages turning}
FREDDY, filtered} Newspaper clipping. . . “lawsuit unsuccessful. . . Dr. Kyle Sommers, an engineer for Davis/Monthan’s Systems Compliance unit, failed in his attempt to sue the Veterans Administration over its refusal to take his son Patrick’s case.  Patrick Sommers, Dr. Sommers’ only son, died of heart failure resulting from complications connected to Agent Orange disbursement during the Vietnam War.”
KYLE, distantly}  You okay in there?
FREDDY, filtered}  Damn.
FREDDY}  Yeah, thanks, just taking a whiz.
FREDDY, filtered}  “It was thought at the time that the defoliant would not have toxic effects, and the VA in Tucson has so far failed to accept such cases from area veterans. . . Arizona Daily Star, August 11, 1973.”  
{SFX:  Scrapbook is shut, drawer closed.  Then sink water runs, and Freddy is heard to drink.}
FREDDY, filtered}  His son died, so why. . .  What’s that over there–a closet?
{SFX:  Walking.  Then a door is opened, a light is clicked on}
FREDDY, filtered}  My God. . .  Enough food here to feed the crew of an aircraft     carrier.  . . . Hormel Chili, Del Monte Fruit Cocktail, Campbell’s Split Pea soup, Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. . . Hamburger Helper, but no hamburger, just that little helping hand. . . card table too, game of solitaire. . . this place is. . . is. . . great.
{SFX:  a rumbling sound; the light buzzes as it flickers}
FREDDY, filtered} What was that?  . . . Gotta go.
{SFX:  light clicks off, door closes, then walking.  The toilet flushes.  Then walking across metal as the clicking and buzzing sounds near}
FREDDY}    Had to use your toilet.  Hope ya don’t mind.
KYLE}    Well, you must be piss poor now.
FREDDY, chuckles}  How’d you know?  . . .My bike, it’s ‘bout the nicest thing I ever owned.
KYLE}   That right?
{SFX:  toggles and throws levers are flipped.  The rumbling sound gets louder.}
KYLE}    You about ready to give me a hand with this air conditioning system?
FREDDY}    I guess.  Where is it?
KYLE}    That console near the wall over there, see it?
{SFX:  Walking on metal}
FREDDY}   This?  Looks old.  Old as you.  
KYLE}    Just a relay.
FREDDY}   But I’m really not familiar with—
KYLE}    Don’t matter.  You just. . .you push and turn that red key that’s—
FREDDY}   This one?
KYLE}    That’s the one, but wait a sec. . .at the count of three, okay?
{SFX:  the rumbling begins to turn deafening}
FREDDY}    You gonna help me lift my bike afterward, right?
KYLE}    Your bike?  Oh sure.  You think I can’t?  Think your old man’s too frail, do ya?
FREDDY}    I didn’t say—
KYLE}    Steady now.  Cross your fingers.   
FREDDY}    Listen, I need to ask you. . .
KYLE}    Ready?
FREDDY}    Wait, about your son . . .
KYLE}    Huh?  Can’t hear ya!
FREDDY, filtered} Poor old geezer, pretending his son’s still alive, locking himself up like this.
KYLE}    Ready?  . . . One. . .
FREDDY, filtered}  Plenty of bastards to hide here from, but if people only pulled together, helped each other out. . .
KYLE}    Two. . .
FREDDY, filtered} . . . it’d be all right.
KYLE}   Three!
{SFX:  Key turns. The rumbling turns into a roar.  Sommers laughs as the entire complex rumbles, and then the sound gradually subsides} 

FREDDY}    Hey, I don’t. . . I don’t feel any cool air.
{SFX:  A toggle switch is thrown}
KYLE}    How about now?
{SFX:  A fan comes on}
FREDDY}    Yeah, there it is.  It’s working.
KYLE}    Amazing, huh.
{SFX:  All the clicking and buzzing noises are shut down one by one}        
FREDDY}   What. . . are you doing, now?
KYLE}  Shutting down.  The show’s over.  For now.
FREDDY}   You gonna help me with my bike?
KYLE}  Sure thing.  In about a year or so.  After all, one good turn deserves another.  Right?
FREDDY}   What do you mean?
{SFX:  A distant roaring explosion is heard.  Springs creak.  Then the sounds all subside into silence, only a distant occasional dripping sound is heard}
KYLE}  Now, was there something you wanted to ask me, son?
{Eerie ending music}  -0-

(This drama by your editor aired on radio in 2004. If your station would like to produce or air any of our productions, see About to contact.)

Top 10 Reasons Not to Have a Baby

Ever since Adam tried to kiss Eve there have been certain instincts dominating the sexes.  Basically, it comes down to men wanting sex and women wanting money to provide for babies. This is why men go out to do battle, and why women put on lipstick.  Men know that if they kill and/or maim their fellows it will be less likely that nine to twenty-two rivals will offer their woman a bigger chunk of gold (resulting in her giving them the kiss-off.)  Women know that if they play their cards right, and keep trading up, they will either end up with an airhead Fabio type or a dweeb supergeek with double the I.Q. and quadruple the bank account (albeit not shirt size.)  Both are okay, so long as their babies are properly burped, fed, housed, and sent off to an Ivy League school.  It is for this reason that marriage was invented:  so that when the man decides to go for someone younger, he will be properly castrated financially.  Such a sad story it all is.  And all to produce little barfing, farting waste disposal units whose carbon feetprints will inevitably reach the end of the teeter-totter and flip the world toward its hellish fate.  Can men ever back off their urge to pillage and rape?  Can women ever abandon their instinct to “fulfill their destiny,” and just slap that silly bitch you’re having lunch with when she wonders aloud why you’re not married and pregnant yet?  Here’s help.  The top 10 reasons NOT to have a baby:

10)  Because the decibel level of a baby’s voice box is higher than a jackhammer, locomotive, or jet engine.
9)   Because you might have Siamese quintuplets when all you wanted was a Siamese cat.
8)   Because nothing smells as bad as baby poo…not rancid mackerel, a weight lifter’s gym shoes, or even hubby’s bowling league buddies after they’ve been eating chili-cheeseburgers all night.
7)   Because babies don’t come from heaven anymore. . . heaven has been out of babies for quite some time.
4)   Because your baby might be switched at birth, and you won’t know it until nine years later when someone named Buttafuoco shows up.
3)   Because your sweet innocent baby will one day have a nightmare in which you abused it, and will sue you. . . then use the money to later commit you into a nursing dungeon run by Nurse Ratchet.
2)   Because as soon as your baby can talk it’ll start asking Why?, and you won’t know Why (anymore than your Senator can explain his expense account.)
Finally, 1)  Because even if your kid could become President of the United States, you wouldn’t want to raise any child that way.

There are other reasons, of course.  On the day of delivery, your ambulance driver may be forced to take the “scenic” route to the hospital due to the bumper-to-bumper traffic.  Because although employers may still be forced to provide time off as a convenience to mothers, the only jobs left will be on night shift at convenience stores, for which you will need a Masters in Criminal Science and a black belt.  Because that blank stare which babies give you will be repeated later in class, and then at age 30 in job interviews as they continue to live at home.  The list goes on ad nauseam.  According to the statistics, though, no one cares.  Prejudice runs deep.  I should get married, have some kids, be normal, get real, they tell me (as they seat me near the swinging kitchen door.)

                                   Order Oscar’s Hijack HERE

Rosemary’s Baby

 

Underworld Awakening: The BackStory

A bad girl in a mad world.

It’s a twist no one expected:  the truth finally comes out.  Agent Mulder would be so happy, were he ever alive.  Because now we learn that the real battle is Vampires and Lycans (along with demons and aliens) versus the rest of us.  Of course we here at NEN knew this all along.  But with true (TV news) evil lurking in the hearts of men (and threatening to divert us), the mindless zombie movie producers had to come out of their closet to assault our senses once again with yet more pyrotechnics and surround sound.  This new allegory about the 1% vs. the 99% hit the big screen, starring Kate Beckinsale as a CEO demon who just won’t die (and who we can’t kill because she was never alive either.)  True, Kate is a sight to behold.  But behold your own wallet as well, containing fewer and fewer pieces of green paper for which the minions of Hollywood, Bollywood, and Dollywood have clashed for decades.  The truth is out there:  that we need major changes soon or we’re all going to be dragged down to Hell.  Can Lycans prevent us from seeing behind all the smoke and mirrors?  And just what is a Lycan, anyway?  Have anyone ever seen one?  (Outside of an investment bank boardroom or bedroom, that is.)  Will we continue to get fatter and dumber as the endless 3D battles planned in upcoming features play out on the big screen before U.S.?  In real life, will we spend another $420 Billion on a new fighter jet we don’t really need, just to keep contractor lobbyists happy (and their Senators in vacation homes)?  And what’s next on the sequel merry-go-round…or will the fossil-fueled engine running the cartoon carousel run out of fool?  Here’s a suggestion:  how about the clash of two basketball teams of walking dead, (part of the NCA or National Corpse Association.)  Not only can’t the players run, but the only dribbling they can do involves slobber. 

Definitions, LYCAN:
1)  Lycans display a number of greatly enhanced physical attributes. They possess enhanced superhuman strength, reflexes, coordination, speed, agility, durability, endurance and regenerative abilities superior to that of most vampires while in their Lycan forms, and are able to crawl across walls with great ease and speed.  Their bite releases the Lycan virus, which can aggressively overtake a normal human’s physiology, causing them to become a Lycan as well.
2)  Politicians or insider trading icons inside the Beltway or beyond, who control how they are perceived by mere mortals.  They have godlike powers of persuasion, with the superhuman ability to leapfrog accountability, oversight, or calls for term limits.  Their endurance is matched by a GPS-like sense of where OWS protesters are rallying.  Their moves may go viral on Youtube, but they are immune to criticism, and their own viruses are often surreptitiously added to the gr$$n tea served to Tea Partiers.                        
3)  A can of worms (formerly reels of celluloid, now digital bytes of lies.)  May include special features, including a blooper reel, Charlie Rose interview, and deleted scenes (left out due to lack of 3D blood spatter.)

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/109765