Pentagon Unveils the USS John McCain

While everyone else was watching The Masters, war hero (and master hawk) John McCain was grinning ear to ear to hear that the Pentagon has ordered 13 more hover carriers, the first of which will bear his name. (Others to follow will be named in honor of other Senators who have resisted raising taxes on the rich.) How will they pay for it, and still keep all those foreign bases and golf courses open? No one is saying, although several Wall Street insiders, recently moved to Singapore, are tipping their glasses in farewell to the USA, having cashed in their Caymans accounts and purchased condos. “Maybe their only hope now are superheroes,” chuckled supervillain Lloyd Bankfine. In other news, Tom Cruise is under attack, not just from aliens in Oblivion (or evil thetans), but also from a sect of radical religious NASCAR fans, whose hypocrisy is evident in the video below. Do rabid sports fan-addicts have the right to criticize Tom? Just asking. You decide after seeing the vid. (News you don’t get on 60 Minutes anymore, tongue-in-cheek or not, since they have moved more towards covering how to throw a knuckle ball and cook Tex Mex…with only a nod toward the Pentagon’s futile battles overseas and the DEA’s futile trillion dollar battle against marijuana. “Give the people what they want!”)   

Bush’s Speech in Caymans Leaked

Remember when George W. Bush gave a speech to offshore investors in the Caymans on the eve of the Obama’s second election, and the press was forbidden? Now the transcript has been leaked, enraging Republicans at its blasphemies. There was no mention of any 47%, or other ways the super rich could avoid taxes…or even hopes to maintain loopholes in the tax code. It is also why Romney’s campaign funding fell short of Obama’s. Here’s an excerpt:
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BUSH: “Friends, we’re really not so vastly superior to our ape cousins, but only two percent better. I know you don’t want to hear this, but, I mean, the data is in, and while that 2% DNA difference appears to be critical to comprehension, we Homo Sapiens are actually animals too, and the most dangerous of any to boot, and I mean that includes bears and sharks. Our long history of war and violence, including our capacity for cruelty, proves this. Like apes, don’t you ever get excited emotionally, and display territorial aggression, jumping up and down while pumping the air? I know I do. Ever watch ball games where fans paint their faces and act out ape-like behaviors, symbolically defending territory? Admit it. It’s always win-lose and never win-win. Right? Even while we ‘ape’ the apes, and think we’re so much better—with free will and a capacity for civilized behavior and cooperation—it’s all an illusion, really. We rarely take five minutes to consider what we do, while our primitive, reptilian brains jump at the chance for revenge. Who among you hasn’t succumbed to knee jerk anger, as the people outside your community gates suddenly seem bitter enemies worthy of vitriol and spittle? Suddenly we’re all fighting for real, propelling lumps of hot lead through the brains of our rivals while shouting obscenities reminiscent of monkey games! Right? Listen, for our party to find its soul again we need to stop invoking whatever jargon seems most likely to allow us to crush any infidels who don’t think like we do, just so we can hear the lamentations of their women. We gotta stop pushing buttons that drop multi-million dollar smart bombs in the desert without noticing the Wikileaks snitch who’s gonna email the pic to some news agency other than Fox on his smart phone. Sure, we can congratulate each other when the other team’s body count meets or exceeds Pentagon expectations, but listen up, folks…guns are tricky tools, not rat-a-tat toys. They jam, backfire, and cause those we’re aiming at to get more guns and aim back. What am I saying? Well, I’m not sure, but I think we need to look at the big picture here. We’re just knats bragging about our knuts. If we vanished tomorrow, the Earth would re-stabilize and continue to evolve, producing another intelligent species with its own chance at higher language and understanding. …I know, I know, maybe you’d rather argue over who will make the playoffs ’cause it reinforces your chest-thumping gorilla status. But come on! Don’t you want to advance past puberty? I know I do. Otherwise we’re all going extinct, just like the many species that vanished while you muttered ‘whatever’ and ordered another meat lovers pizza.”

Leon Panetta Wants All Your Marbles

Another $79 BILLION of your money for pretty vapor trails

Defense Secretary Leon Panetta today said that if we cut the military budget we are mad. He said the world is unsafe and getting more unsafe and if you like safety rather than doom you must surrender your last marbles to the collection (stockpiles) now being played in the war rooms (playrooms) of the generals (along with large boxes of shiny medals.) They already have more marbles than anyone else, and haven’t managed to win any games, but no matter—if you have any marbles hiding in safety deposit boxes somewhere you need to hand them over, too. If you don’t have any marbles left, due to already handing them over, you need to train your kids how to hit the bricks, find agate, and learn to polish. “I don’t care how you do it,” Panetta says. Meaning you need to hold yard sales, melt down your jewelry, flog yourself with cut-glass whips, whatever it takes. He never mentioned TVs, though. TVs are the means by which scary messages and war clips are delivered. So keep the widescreen, and give him your toothpaste. What do you need toothpaste for? They now have the technology to turn it and lots of other non-essential items into marbles. So toothpaste is marbles. So is your kid’s future, but you’ve already handed that over. Let’s tally it up…for the past five decades we’ve spent more on our military than every other country in the world combined…the military is now building schools which are then bombed…all those countries really want us to just leave…we don’t leave because we believe we are sports legends who can still win it for the Gipper…for every terrorist we kill ten new ones are born…those people believe it’s the 14th Century…the Russians broke their backs in Afghanistan…and yet we are “mad” if we don’t continue funding new weapons systems we don’t even need with money we no longer have in order to keep the military from changing the strategy it’s had in place since the 1960s. Humm. Somebody needs to read Washington Rules by former Col. Andrew Bacevich. He says the Pentagon never changes and never learns. That they are gluttons feeding at buffets. Lots of meat on those buffets, too. Prime rib. Barbecue. Ice Cream sundays for dessert. Why do they eat better than us? Because they know how to wave flags, display medals, talk about bravery, warn about doom. Nobody likes doom, right? That’s why we support bases all over the world. Like in South Korea, which builds more ships and cars than we do. They don’t even use any U.S. parts, they manufacture their own. Humm. Of course Panetta understands this. He shakes his head and sighs. Easier to ask the American people to get a job and stop driving so much than to ask Generals to stop gorging at the buffet. Or to be smarter, or to go on a diet. Of course no one can ask the top 1% to give the same percentage they gave in the early 1990s. Or ask those faking disability or collecting welfare for non-existent children to cough up. He has to go where the money was—the middle class. …But it’s all dried up, Leon. What are you going to do now? Change? No. You’re going to go back to the office, and pull out that 50 year old Scotch, invite some good old boys over, and swap war stories from the past. And then you’re going to give the American taxpayer another “pony up or die” speech, saying how the economy is supported by military contractors (an argument that also works for the tobacco industry, or Coca-Cola, both of which, should they go away tomorrow, would result in dramatically lower health care costs for all Americans.) For the cost of the Afghanistan war alone, we could have built new roads and bridges across America, putting to work millions in the process. There would have been enough left over to protect airports and shipping docks, to fund (instead of cut) medical research, and to stabilize Social Security and Medicare. Instead we blew it all like a cokehead in a casino penthouse. With no end in sight. That’s right, folks…it’s like we’ve all stopped work and are playing Halo on an interconnected super X-Box on a diet of french fries and soda. Mom is banging at the door, saying it’s time to go to school. But Uncle Leon is playing marbles on the living room floor, and has lost a few under the couch, along with his keys. A tornado is coming, but Mom hasn’t seen it yet through the hall window. She doesn’t expect it, either, this being Phoenix, Arizona. Welcome to the real world, sports fans. Unpredictable as hell, isn’t it?

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Republican SECRETARY OF STATE Candidate Angry

NEWS FLASH: We interrupt this nonsense with more important news about sports. Neanderthals Still Alive! Human species thought to have gone extinct are actually still alive and kicking. . . footballs. That’s right: NFL teams are comprised of the descendants of Neanderthals, who possess the Eat or Be Eaten “sporting” gene. (Note: originally, being a “good sport” meant “tastes good.”) According to Dr. Neils Zahorsky of Cal Tech, only those schools without winning sports teams have homo sapien ancestors. (Cal Tech basketball lost 310 games in a row, and so was penalized by the NCAA for “academic infractions,” including 32 Nobel Prizes.) Everyone else descends from the newly discovered Nikeinus, who made up the Neanderthal fan base for various knuckle-dragging skull bowling competitions, using the heads of homo sapiens. . . whose bodies were roasted in prehistoric tailgate parties (thrown in the trunks of open flying saucers, silverware provided by Ancient Astronuts.) “The DNA and NCAA evidence doesn’t lie, although your biology textbooks do,” says Dr. Zahorsky, adding, “It is vitally important that these new findings be updated so that students will be unable to sell their old textbooks next year, and so that those who use computers in class will be forced to upgrade.” In business parlance, as in other Neanderthal-dominated blood sports (such as war), it is necessary to crush the competition in a balls-to-the-wall display of egoic delusion so crippling and overwhelming in terms of “shock and awe” that it never reaches a nuking sudden death overtime (ie. lose/lose rather than win/lose.) Thals did this by following their playbook (written in stone) as Nikeinus watched and munched on the junk DNA of those pacifist, vegetarian “win-win” nerds who deserved to be eaten alive on occasion.

“The general bias to consider oneself superior to others is obviously congenial to waging war, and there has been precious little study of self deception in sports, (but) it would be interesting to have data from sports.” —Dr. Robert Trivers, professor of anthropology and biological sciences at Rutgers, quoted in THE FOLLY OF FOOLS

THE DICTATOR – Off Camera Antics

“American Dream is nightmare.”

He doesn’t watch movies, and, in fact, the last movie he did see was The Wizard of Oz. But Kim Jong Un prefers Rocky Road over Yellow Brick Road, nonetheless, and the only yellow bricks he wants are radioactive. “Blocks of plutonium would be nice,” he tells his starving people, who must smile or be thrown under a bus. “I will trade with bricks of cocaine, America!” Other birthday presents he’d like are some of those F22 Raptors the U.S. is making (but doesn’t need.) “They come in handy for drop payloads on Seoul,” he explains. In the meantime he just wants more ice cream. “I love nice creamy texture with nutty crunch,” he tells the Food Network. “You people lots of nuts, can you supply, Jerry?” The plan is to trade rice to Uncle Ben for it. When asked if he’d like a heart transplant, Un wanted none. (Alas, so far a brain transplant is not possible for anyone, politicians included.)