Nadia G Wins Golden Parachute Award

Combine a comic with a cook and what do you get? Nadia Giosia, also known as Nadia G, a 30ish Montreal-born dynamo with an Italian heritage. Her show “Bitchin’ Kitchen” began on the web before moving to the Cooking Channel and Food Network Canada (and the UK.) We call her the Shakira of Food Porn, and hereby award her the world’s first GOLDEN PARACHUTE AWARD. One of Nadia’s quotes is “Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.” So why a golden parachute? Typically, the phrase invokes images of a CEO with a cigar, looking to jump out the window while his employees burn. Here what I mean relates to the new book THE END OF BIG. The author talks about big business going belly up when the price of gas reaches $14 a gallon in 25 years. What will save America are individuals, working together, to supply their communities with independently crafted products, and that extends to include food, energy, transportation, clothing, etc. So even if TV stations fail, as newspapers are currently doing, there will always be a place for original, imaginative talent. People who entertain while providing a service or product. People who think outside the box (or bun.) And so, we salute you, Nadia. You’re a fearless survivor. You didn’t let anything stop you. And underneath all that makeup, you have a heart, too. In short, you’re no bitch. You’re bitchin’!

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More quotes from Nadia:
“Defeat the fear of death, and welcome the death of fear.”
“Great things are accomplished by talented people who believe they will accomplish them.”
“I have no trouble with my enemies. It’s my friends who keep me walking the floor at night.”
“Companies which get misled by their own success are sure to be blind sided.”
“Often in television, particularly in lifestyle entertainment, they really try and box you in. Julia Child wasn’t afraid to have fun. America was ready for something other than a vanilla cooking show, and we were providing the double dark chocolate fudge.”
“You can be smart and still look hot. You can be a punk rocker yet have a refined vocabulary. It’s all about this mashup that makes us who we are, and I think that’s a beautiful thing.”
“First and foremost, you’ve got to make yourself happy. Essentially being who you are is most important. When you’re after truth, happiness always comes.”

Starbucks Refuses to Carry Condoms

Is this surprising? Maybe not, although their CEO has been proliferating in expanding his company worldwide. Indeed, Starbucks should have a rabbit on their cups, as they have been a potent force in getting us to accept giving up bucks for what used to cost a dime. No, what this post is really about is my experience today there, with few other options for breakfast since this is Easter. (Closed, Closed, Closed for Easter.) They have two croissants available, featuring eggs or ham. Which they heat.
    ”Got ketchup?” I asked.
    “Sorry, no.”
    “Mustard? Mayo?”
    ”No condiments.”
    ”But it’s dry.”
    ”It’s a breakfast sandwich,” the barista replied.
    ”So breakfast doesn’t count?”
    No answer. Apparently not.
    So I ordered the egg salad sandwich, pre-packaged and made God only knows when. “Enjoy,” he said.
    Said I, “Why? It’s only breakfast, right?”
    No reply.
    Now here’s my question: Was Howard Schultz always cheap, and if so, did he ever use condoms?

“Where is the magic in burnt cheese?” They’re BAAACCCKKK! (But, alas, with no condiments. So you can go “ackkkkk!” when you gag.)

French Fry Parties Upset Sumos

Sumo wrestlers in Japan are protesting the new McDonalds slogan “Live Fast, Die Young” being broadcast 24/7 there, along with subliminally enhanced images of their addictive fries. That’s because many of the wrestlers got fat from eating fries, shakes, and 2 liter bottles of Coke. Says NEN reporter Ryback Solomon, “They believe it’s unfair for fast food franchises to inundate the airwaves with their siren songs, many of which—when played backward—have hidden messages like ‘don’t worry, be happy’ or ‘you’re saving polar bears in the process.’ That’s because most kids in school in Japan are studying science or engineering, not training to become athletes like they are, as well as most American students. Of course the Sumos don’t really care if Korean kids get fat, since Koreans are seen as Japan’s true competitors. . .not, of course, Americans. The American industries that do well in Asia? Guns, cigarettes, pop music, movies, corn, wheat, game shows, and junk food. The Asian industries that do well in America? Everything else.”

Shocking Reason KFC Trashed in Libya

The FBI has discovered that one of the people involved in that KFC attack in Libya was a disgruntled former employee who quit to protest the treatment of chickens in farm raised pens. “Hens never see the light of day,” Mark Mumford—a recent vegetarian convert—declared, upon being arrested. “They are treated more horribly than anyone at Gitmo. . . their lives are a living hell from the moment they hatch, and then they get fried and served like ticking bombs waiting to explode the arteries in your heart.” When other protestors at the scene saw that Mumford was among them, they asked him questions before torching a McDonalds on the next block. Explains FBI agent Greg Lomax, “They realized that these fast foods were killing their people, and that made them even angrier. . . although radical Islamic cells’ planned assault on such outlets on American soil have been canceled because they now realize that these chicken and burger bombs, while not Youtube worthy, will certainly take out more “heretics” in the long run, and cripple the U.S. economy in the process. We already have more fat and sick people than any country in the world.” Mumford has been taken to a secret food locker and made to watch a loop of fast food commercials, his eyes stuck open with Crazy Glue. We asked if he was going to be water-boarded, and were told, “Maybe, but it’ll be Vitamin Water, a Coca-Cola product that even Coke admits is not particularly good for you.”

Olympics to Add FOOD RACES in 2016

The International Olympic Committee has caved to the fast food lobby’s pressure (and bribes) once again. It all started when they announced an intension to ban McDonalds and Coke from the Games, which, as we all know, quietly morphed into McDonald’s sponsorship and ban of their competition in London. Now the Committee has succumbed to pressure by the Food Porn Network to introduce eating competitions and server races to the mix. Scantily clad waitresses will push obese gluttons in wheelchairs around the same oval tracks used by cyclists. The glutton who eats the most Triple Bypass Burgers® by the end of one lap wins. When asked if this wasn’t more like a Special Olympics event, Committee Spokescaver Willard Weaselthorp declared, “These contestants have no socially unacceptable disabilities, other than by France. And they don’t count.” When we asked about the catastrophic health care costs such a concession would burden all the cultures of the world with, (as nations prepare to compete for the new events), Weaselthorp replied, “You should be happy we’ve approved a sport which America will clearly dominate at the next Olympiad. It will also help level the dying field among countries hoping to lead the world—as the United States currently does—in percentage of GDP spent on doctor visits. France excluded, of course.”

That burger costs more than ya think.
Before ya die, better make the link.
Our health care costs are on the brink,
Our taxes leap, right as you sink!  
Goin’ down the tubes.
We eat like boobs. (repeat like supersized fries)