School Bus Driver Packs Assault Rifle

School bus driver Wayne LaPeedare of South Chicago has obtained multiple assault weapons and a license to kill, just to do his job. “We’re targeted by snipers, drive-bys, and grannies just taking pot shots from unemployment lines,” he told WGN reporter Jon Colbert. “We need to get the few math students left to class, or China will leave America behind.” Ranked 25th in math and science education, America is #1 in sports…particularly shooting and eating sports. LaPeedare sees a silver lining, though, in the political playbook written by gun and junk food lobbyists in Washington. “All of this bodes well for the second amendment, and for my hospital stocks,” he declared. Wayne also sold his story to Universal Pictures to be released this summer as the movie BUS DRIVER – Shock & Awe 2 (trailer below.) In addition to Coke and Pepsi, sponsors will include Red Bull, McDonald’s Triple Thick Chocolate Shake (Large: 1,160 calories, 27 grams fat, including trans fat, and 168 grams sugar), Starbucks Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha with Whipped Cream (Venti size, equivalent to eating 8 1/2 scoops of rich coffee ice cream), and Cold Stone’s PB&C (“Gotta Have It” size, equivalent to eating an entire box of Chips Ahoy in sugar and 64 strips of bacon in saturated fat…and as for War Games, guess who picks up the tab on health care.)

“Poverty, hunger, racial tension, pollution are here and now. These are the things that scream for a response. And if we don’t listen to that scream…and if we don’t respond to it, we may well end up sitting amidst our own rubble, looking for the truck that hit us, or the bomb that pulverized us. Get the license number of whatever it was that destroyed the dream, and I think we will find that the vehicle is registered in our own name.” –Rod Serling

Gun Taken from Charlton Heston’s Hands

The grave of Charlton Heston was exhumed today and a musket taken from his cold, dead hands. Explains Sen. Alfred E. Newman, “To be fair to those grandmas who are strip searched at airports, we have to run a test on Heston’s weapon to be sure it wasn’t used in a crime. As you know, there is no statute of limitations on murder, so it’s possible the musket was used in the 1700s or early 1800s to hold up a saloon or convenience store, perhaps to put a musket ball into the brainpan of some luckless grade school dropout for a plug of chewing tobacco. Besides, Dick Cheney wants that gun for his collection, which is housed in a warehouse in McLean, Virginia next to an elementary school.” Secret documents leaked by Scooter Libby have revealed that Cheney owns forty-seven hundred assault weapons, including the tommy gun used by Al Capone in the St. Valentine’s Day massacre, not to mention the Batchekler violin which was originally in the violin case that later held the tommy gun. There’s also six thousand different pistols, including Hilter’s favorite Luger, an M1 Bazooka, an 81mm Mortar, a Russian Izhmash SV-98 sniper rifle, a Kalashnikov AK-12 prototype, an MPS AA-12 Assault Combat Shotgun, Gen. Patton’s silver .45 Colt, an arsenal of ammo, and a Sherman tank. There’s also the preserved wooden nostril of a Trojan horse, and four Hummers, (including one used in Desert Storm.) All of these items are protected by a single Ottoman style padlock for which a skeleton key is used. The warehouse in question once headquartered a manufacturing operation that made toasters (now made in Taiwan.) Security is provided by Protect America, which is also used by John Boehner to protect his warehouse, which once housed Graveland Tobacco, and which is also no longer in business (unlike the bigger tobacco firms whose lobbyists once had Boehner distribute checks for them to lawmakers on the House floor, prior to a vote.)  Regarding Charlton Heston, he, like Reagan, was an actor. He owned a lot of guns, but kept them in a walk-in safe. Arnold Schwarzenegger is an actor and gun-lover too. No word on how many guns he owns…or what he plans to do with them when the economy collapses because our military budget is higher than everyone else’s in the world combined.

Heston was secretly in favor of our proposal that, if everyone can have any gun they want, it should be an automatic death sentence for anyone to use a gun in the commission of any crime…executions to be performed in public by firing squad consisting of gang members with AK 47s.

Zero Dark Thirty: The Sequel?

Two scripts are being shopped in Hollywood as possible sequels to the controversial movie ZERO DARK THIRTY. 1) “Zero Dark Forty” features a 40 year old Navy Seal virgin who attempts to convert to Islam on his deathbed so that he’ll have virgins in the afterlife, only to be waterboarded back to life and sent to Gitmo with Rosie O’Donnell. Rosie spends the bulk of the movie complaining that he’s bent over the toilet too long. Director of choice: Judd Apatow. 2) “Forty Dark Zero” takes its inspiration from “Boys From Brazil,” as forty Osama clones set up terrorist operations in the last remaining countries not yet containing U.S. military bases financed by the American taxpayer. Set in a future where costs have escalated to what is now being called the FBHD or Fiscal Black Hole of Doom, lawmakers struggle to maintain tax advantages for the upper class while doing commercials for Coke, Pepsi, and McDonald’s new Squirrel Sandwich. (Kicking the can down the road is no longer possible, since the last can was a Middle Class-made I.E.D., and exploded.) Mel Gibson and Bruce Willis have been sent the script, whose hero leads a ragged tag-team of former wrestling icons on a monster truck rally across African sands and veldts in an Incredible Race against the clock to crush the clones in Togo and Cameroon before they can produce clone armies of rag-head renegades. (Frequent gas shortages stall the vehicles while the clones pass puberty.) Meanwhile, back home, Admiral Les Beauregard and General Mitch Flipswitch lobby for bases to be built in those countries (which al Queda secretly planned) before private enterprise special force teams (not on the Pentagon payroll) prove to be more effective (and intelligent.) They fail, finally, to get the “required funding” for the bases because Americans are more afraid of starving to death than being ICBMed by illiterate Koran mis-interpreters. (According to Slayboy, anyway. What follows are two ads from that magazine, to hit newsstands soon:)
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Introducing THE DUMB PHONE
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Pewtiful People everywhere enjoy the low cost and convenience of owning the new low-tech Dumb Phone. The land line version features a crank drive for those who can’t afford electricity anymore, while the cell version boasts a late-to-the-art rotary dial! Ordering a pizza was never so fun as you stay up to exercise your imagination listening to LIGHTS OUT and other dramas on your crystal radio by candlelight. And the next day you’ll be able to look down your nose at those with no imagination, bankrupting themselves by watching American Idol or Sports Center on their “smart” phones, too! Think about it. With a high-tech phone you’re just a lemming at the cliff like everyone else, and no one will notice your plunge. But with the new rotary Dumb Phone, everyone will fall for you, asking you questions like, “How do you find directions to the nearest Starbucks or McDonalds on that thing?” To which you can shout (as they drop): “Do you think it was smart to drop a dozen million dollar smart bombs on sixteen dollar stucco huts in the middle of an Arabian desert?” The Dumb Phone: Because the higher the technology, the steeper the price.
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Doomsday Preppers Riot at Black Friday Event

The Doomsday Preppers, (whose articles of incorporation indicate they formed due to statements made by Ben Bernanke and Kim Kardashian), “rioted” at a Sears Black Friday event after being bested by area soccer moms in the toy department. “The Kiss-Me-Elmo doll was down to one left,” reports Ryback Solomon, “and had been selected as one of the target items the Preppers wanted to include in their Plan B Project, along with a Twinkie and a set of Craftsman tools, all chosen for their suggested irony. The Plan B Project, created via a grant supplied through Congressional earmark, involves embedding cultural icons as new ‘fossil’ time capsules into cave rocks to be discovered in the distant future by advanced alien paleontologists, after catastrophic global tornadoes and nuclear winter have caused homo sapiens to go belly up. Actually, the term ‘riot,’ as used by bored journalists in search of ratings, was somewhat of a sensational overstatement, since the Preppers were, in fact, outnumbered and outgunned by the horde of drooling Mama Boo-Boo look-alikes who’d arrived in mini-vans and Hummers. The Twinkie has a suspected shelf life of 6 Million years, while the Craftsman tools could be returned for a full refund to Sears Tower, were it still to stand. As for the Elmo in question, it did not survive ten minutes, and now resembles cheap pillow stuffing.”

In other news, will the NFL soon discover a cure for cancer? They aren’t denying the rumors, after one of their players, suffering a concussion and boos, emerged from his coma with a higher I.Q.. “Is this a freak of nature, or a harbinger of future transformational insights related to head injuries?” coach Guy Budswell asked “hypnothetically” after consulting several books which were not rule books or record books (and included a dictionary.) “I believe with my whole torso that Butch may indeed score the Big One for the Ripper, proving that a knock on the head can be a good thing. Those few of you out there who are not NFL fans yet should now reconsider your hostile assumptions in light of this new evidence, using as a basis your very argument that societal progress is made by non-static individual ideas and not groupthink or confrontational conformity. Just think about it, anyway, George and Jeff. And Walter. You guys have been holdouts, and for what? Who’s to say another concussion like Butch’s won’t lead to fusion power or term limits? Call the number on your screen right now and order Direct TV Prime Sunday Ticket. Remember, if you act now you get Ultimate Cage Fighter, with plenty of quantum concussion metrics at play there too. Plus two liters of Coke.” Footnote: Budswell was arrested soon after making this statement for engaging in DUI with a minor. Meanwhile, funding for medical research has been cut, although more money for bigger stadiums continues to be generated through municipal bonds.

Mayan Scroll Predicts Super Heat Wave

A NEWLY discovered Mayan scroll has predicted the world will end on Dec. 21, 2021, when the closest stars to Earth collide and produce a gamma ray burst aimed at Earth. Everyone will flee to the mall, where they will find that McDonalds is selling iced drinks for $100 $200 each. Details HERE.

In related news, a tall shaggy creature with big feet, looking “like a Star Wars Wookie” has emerged from the burning forests near the Air Force Academy in Colorado for treatment from heat exhaustion and smoke inhalation. Estimates of the weight and height are 350 pounds and 6’9″ with an age placed at 60 years, so it’s “amazing he’s never been photographed up close until now.” The creature can supposedly talk, and is both eating and talking “more than Rosie O’Donnell at a Trump resort buffet.” In fact, said Lt. Walt Henderson, “he even speaks Spanish, Japanese, and West Virginian.” We tried to obtain a rumored video of Harry, as he’s being called, but the Air Force has since shut down its PR office, and disavowed any knowledge of the beast, although we did hear a rumor that they were moving Harry to Area 52 in Montana, after a female “Wookie-like” creature from Area 51 gave him a full body buzz cut and massage with scented oils.