PREMIUM RUSH 2 to Star Lance Armstrong

Cycling ace Lance Armstrong has been convicted of stealing yellow shirts from the same store for over a decade, and is under house arrest. “He was really addicted to shoplifting,” said Sports Authority store security guard Xxxxx Xxxxxxxx in a heavily redacted affidavit. “And I can tell you that I personally witnessed him taking the labels off xxxxxxx in the xxxxxxxx room on several occasions. Some of the jerseys had logos on them, too. One said USPS, but he left that one behind because it had a red stain on it. I’m not sure if that was from ink or blood, but I tell you I’ll never forget the day he went postal, it was really a xxxxxxx shame. I hear he’s called us all dopes now.  What ya gonna do?” The sport, of course, will recover. . . as every religion always has in the past. We do have one thing on HIGH AUTHORITY, though: Lance will soon be starring in PREMIUM RUSH 2. Is all forgiven? Is it Oscar time for Lance? You decide, after seeing the video below…skip the ‘great deals on ebay,’ though.

Deleted Oprah interview segment:
O:  It also says here you have a big heart.
L:  I do. I have a big, big heart.
O:  No, I mean a large heart. Literally. As in freakishly huge, which you were born with, and which is able to pump more blood and oxygen than–-
L:  Oxygen. Ha ha!
O: –-than the average Joe or Jane. It’s a one-in-a-million heart th–-
L:  Not in a million little pieces, though!
O: –-that, together with performance enhancing drugs, puts you out in front, giving the typical athlete without drugs zero chance of catching you. …Not even a prayer. That’s funny too, in a way.
L:  Yeah, baby! Now you’re getting it.

American’t

“Can I play?”

CENSORED BY ESPN

AMERICAN’T– What the Chinese call “America,” since Americans can’t stop watching sports long enough to manufacture anything. As part of their subversive campaign, the Chinese mimic our athletes and pretend to be enthralled with American culture, even as they steal military blueprints online and send the embarrassing stuff to Wikileaks.
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BASKETBALL– A repetitive game consisting of ten pituitary cases running back and forth in a race to achieve endorsement contracts for sneakers. . . and groupies to sneak into hotel rooms. Players are allowed to attend the Olympics, where they get to play Goliath vs. David with unarmed little Croatian dweebs.

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JUNK FOODS– Foods approved for marketing to kids, but not pets.
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JUST DO IT– A slogan once popular at Penn State, and now at the State Pen.

SPORT– One of 8000 games designed to increase one’s thrill at victory, agony at defeat, and risk of bipolar disorder. May result in Empathuphobia, Lachanophobia, and/or Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia. (The fear of peace, the fear of vegetables, and the fear of long words.) . . .Also unemployment, except by the military.
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–Walter Witty, Sports Atheist (from his new book)

Ralph Lauren Apologizes to Joe Sixpack

“If it’s a solar flare or global warming, why is Donald Trump grinning?”

Ralph Lauren was forced to apologize to Joe Sixpack today after Congressional “leaders” condemned making Olympic uniforms in China to save on costs. “Burn, baby, burn!” sang Mormon Harry Reid on the show DUETS with John Boehner, (formerly with the bands TARP and Gang of Seven during the House Check-kiting scandal contest.) Joe was too busy watching Entertainment Tonight on the TV he bought with a government check to be bothered. Nonetheless, Joe was reached by NEN, and we have this on tape: “I’d go back to work if I can make twenty an hour. Okay?” Not okay, because Joe’s skills are limited to short order cooking and cutting the grass, “when the game is over.” Joe is on unemployment, and likes his cheap jeans. In China, skilled garment workers average 75 hours a week, make the least, and produce 50% of the world’s textiles and garments. Their unemployment rate is 4%.  In other news, JP Morgan Chase lost $700 Million in bad bets, Romney is being criticized for Bain Capital’s outsourcing of jobs “to save on costs,” the military has asked for $2.9 Billion to remove equipment from Afghanistan “to reposition assets to other bases,” and the US unemployment rate is 8.2%. . . for now.

ATM Pays Out Like Slot Machine

Betting with other people’s money is fun!

The following was deemed a “non-story” and censored by members of the Republican Guard.

Ronald Page seemingly had it made when Bank of America unintentionally changed his account status, allowing the 55-year-old man to make unlimited ATM cash overdraft withdrawals. Now Goldmine Sachs has awarded Page with a Certificate of Completion in the course Financial Instruments of Destruction 101, “with honors since he spent the $1,500,000 at the MGM Grand before the bank could figure out the error,” reports Ryback Solomon, “much like how big banks spent their bailouts and bonuses before regulators could figure out how derivatives and credit default swaps operate.” ABC reports that Page, who in reality had only $300 in his checking account, used the accidental loophole to withdraw the $1.5 million—losing it all on gambling. “Much like too-big-to-fail institutions gambled with public funds…or the top one percent use loopholes that must be closed by the middle class, who are now working double shifts flipping burgers since the banks aren’t loaning money anymore to the bottom ninety-nine percent.”

 

The photo above is of a banker going to jail for what happened in 2008.