Category Archives: Celebs
The price of fame has not escaped inflation, according to the IRS. As fame becomes ever more important, the price is rising exponentially, too. “The cost is much more than most people think,” says Howard Rosen, millionaire recluse turned culture vampire, “and I don’t mean just for those wanting to purchase fame or maintain it, I mean for everyone else.” Should we put a dollar cost on fending off the paparazzi with security systems and bodyguards? Why bother…few reading this will face those costs. It’s more appropriate to examine the costs of being obsessed with famous people. There are the truly shocking and hidden costs. Because if time is money, then you need to calculate how much time you spend watching Entertainment Tonight and Leno and a dozen shows talk shows like it…how much time you spend tracking stars on the internet and in magazines…how many interviews you watch that feature famous people denying their guilt in various scandals…how much junk food you consume in the process, leading to heart disease and crippling medical expenses…how many hours you spend listening to celebs talking about the cost of fame, while displaying their jewelry, clothes, cars, and houses…the list goes on and on and on. Shouldn’t you rather read a book, or listen to one while jogging or doing other chores? Just a thought. So what about fame? It’s overrated and overpriced. Like so many other games (including those played on the gridiron or on Capitol Hill), we just can’t afford it anymore.
FAME: A super power granted lucky and well connected actors, politicians, or sports “gods,” enabling them to waste everyone’s time, not just their own.
DIVA: An egomaniacal temptress whose entourage of stylists, publicists, and cross-dressing sycophants come between her and the truth that faking emotions can lead to artificial preservatives, white powder additives, and fat fake fans on a feeding frenzy of fantasy.
BLING-A-LING) A ding dong whose low intelligence and insecurity is offset by a psychopathic bravado, a myopic obsession to be perceived as a role model, and a blindingly obscene propensity to display medals of graceless self-indulgence like a walking jewelry kiosk.
DARERIST: Someone who dares to criticize the status quo or pop culture, and is sent to Gitmo for waterboarding with high fructose corn syrup.
GreenPeace has stumbled forward to claim responsibility in the flouring of Kim Kardashian. Said spokesperson Amy Jodlesbank, “We are opposed to the wearing of leather, fur, and baby seal skins by celebrities who snort cocaine on their way to award shows and ego-heavy corporate propaganda orgies.” Heckers Flour was used in the flouring, and the effort was supported by Nike in an attempt to look more eco and child labor friendly. A new memoir will also be published soon titled THE FLOURING OF AN AMERICAN ICON: The Kim Kardashian Story. Rights have sold to Imagine Entertainment. The book will be penned by Kitty Kelley’s Kat “Kimberley,” nicknamed KKKK. In related news, the National Council on Television Addiction has reported that Americans now watch an average of six hours a day, and “a sneeze less than an hour of that is watching Kim describe her day wasting yours.”
You heard it here first. Phoenix, still in rehab at Tucson’s posh Canyon Ranch resort, is co-ghost writing Charlie Sheen’s memoir under the working title I’M HERE TOO. Both have managed to smuggle cocaine and hookers into the facility, with the help of Rush Limbaugh. Limbaugh is co-author of the memoir, and will appear on Letterman to promote the project, dressed in drag. “I’m retiring from radio to become a movie star, and Charlie has offered to help me win a Best Actress Oscar in exchange for penmanship lessons,” Limbaugh told a roaring crowd at a monster truck rally in Rio Lindo. “After all, I’m a bestselling author, just like Glenn Beck.” The book will mention Limbaugh more than it does Sheen. “Sheen doesn’t even know about the book,” Phoenix confessed to NEN, “it’s his agent behind this. My idea too. We’re planning a mockumentary about it all, directed by James Cameron. It’ll be 3D with an underwater scene involving heavy artillery to boot.” We asked Joaquin why he was revealing this to our reporter Ryback Solomon, and he responded, “Because who’s going to believe Not Entertainment News? You’re not even a real news organization.” Not. We thanked Joaquin for this statement, since we are being sued by fourteen celebs over prior news items. Then we joined him, Charlie, and Rush at Canyon Ranch for a dip in the jacuzzi with Glenn Beck and his mistress Zoe Saldana.
So many hits have been recorded on entertainment website servers since Kim posted her bored photo from bed that several have “melted down” in the words of IT professional Derek Gusick. “We have experienced so much traffic from people wanting to know about Kim that there have been internet overloads resulting in an interruption of service to other sites,” Derek explained. “Some of these affected sites include banking, utilities, job services, and the DMV. I also just got a call from the FBI asking that we discontinue posting high-res photos of Kim and her family due to national security concerns expressed by Defense Department webmasters. People are going nuts downloading split second updates on the Kardashians every move–what they eat, what they say, if they burp. The Kardashians obviously don’t need to make sense. . .or sing or dance. We’ve decided that they matter, and that everything else doesn’t. In other news, a prominent Supermodel (recently questioned about whether she possessed an “abnormally high I.Q.”) is suing NEN over use of the word abnormally. Said Judge Judy, “this discrimination is obscene, and I don’t care if your site is satirical or not, I’m slapping you with a fine, and then coming there personally to slap you in person!” NEN CEO Ryback Solomon awaits the judge, having emailed her directions to his trailer, with warnings about his rabid pit bull “Nelly,” currently starving on a rusty 60 foot chain.
Kate’s sister was arrested last night in South Beach by the Fashion Police, and forced to do “community service” by walking in a lineup dressed as Lady Gaga. Reports our own Ryback Solomon, “It was a very entertaining evening, to say the least. In addition to the judges of America’s Next Top Model, folks from Project Runway and Miami Vice commented that this was one of the best shows of any season, past or present. The reason for Pippa’s arrest was given on the citation as being dressed ‘too conservatively,’ which is not in keeping with South Beach party life, much less haute couture. The hope is that Pippa will learn her lesson, and maybe hang out with Paris Hilton and do some drugs too. Girls Gone Wild has offered her a million to be in a video, but that’s chump change compared to what she could make if only she’d join forces with Kim Kardashian.”