Area 51 Funding Cut

NASA and the Pentagon have agreed to declassify and relinquish control of Area 51 as a concession to Congress in exchange for keeping a manned mission to Mars and a drone army of A.I. G.I.s on the drawing board. Explains General George Wackinbush, “Due to the Fiscal Cliff, we have no choice but to cut something somewhere—if only for a show of support to lawmakers—and since, with John McCain still in office, we need to increase troops to all Middle Eastern countries, along with increases in military pensions and military hospitals and Army bases and Gitmo and new aircraft carriers and jets and subs and Star Wars weapons systems and aid to Egypt, Libya, Iraq, Afghanistan, Korea, and Raytheon, we decided to turn Area 51 into a theme park with admission of $100 a head. There will be rides in saucers from Canopus IV, too. Naturally, the saucers are non-functional, as we haven’t been able to find qualified engineers to figure out the controls, much less reverse engineer the propulsion systems. So we took out the alien engines and replaced them with decommissioned NASCAR engines, which turn turbo-lift fan blades. Now that street urchins from India and China and Japan know our dilemma, maybe they’ll help us out? Anyway, we decided to release this news during the NFL and college football playoffs so as not to cause a panic except among those few geeks who don’t bow to ESPN, with the rest finding out in trickles as they come up for air, so to speak. Alas, we don’t really have any live aliens on site, but there’s still a few on ice, and we plan to thaw those out and dissect them as needed by the networks between seasons. About our drone army, the plan is to produce one million crack troops of mechanical men with artificial intelligence to operate the airborne drones and work the donation phone lines in aid of the battalions of soccer mom kids fighting in the field. They will also work in Army intelligence, all of which will free up manpower and keep Halliburton employed building and then rebuilding hospitals and schools. Kapeech?” When asked about when the drone army may be deployed for desk duty, Wackinbush estimated 2045 “or thereabouts, depending on continued R&D funding.” When asked what might happen if the sentient robots decide to take over the world, or if more aliens arrive and don’t crash land, the general referred us to the DMV.

In other news, there’s a new bachelor coming, so ladies get ready!

 

“Hi, my name is Ed. I’m a Sagittarius…literally.”