Jimmy Hoffa's Body Found

The body of union boss Jimmy Hoffa, missing since 1975, has been found after an exhaustive search by the FBI costing taxpayers $69 million dollars. Apparently Hoffa had taken a boat ride with three mafia enforcers, and as in the Sopranos scene when Salvatore “Big Pussy” Bonpensiero got taken out by Tony, Pauli and Patsy, he was shot 18 times in the chest for whispering sweet nothings to the Feds (in this case, something about “the grassy knoll.”) The three hour boat tour then strayed out of Jersey into the Bermuda Triangle, and fate took it to Greenland from there. John Stossel is set to take up the case as soon as he finishes with the boondoggle known as the Mars Mission, first proposed by Bush, and set to cost taxpayers upwards of a Trillion dollars—and all to plant an American flag on the barren world (sponsored by Directv, ESPN, and Coca-Cola.) Stossel’s take on this? “Wow, there’s so much waste everywhere I can’t freaking cover it all! I’ll get to it, okay? Give me a break!” When we asked him about Mars, he said, “As Time magazine put it, going to Mars is ridiculous since money will have to be cut from other NASA projects to do it…stuff that’s actually producing real science, like probes and space telescopes, or working on better propulsion systems. Not to mention health research, education, and filling potholes in the economy the size of Rhode Island!” We at NEN agree, but for the record have found one reason in favor of the Kardashians going to Mars: to discover how the Martians managed to reverse their population boom, and what they did with all those plastic bottles.

“We don’t argue over Coke versus Pepsi…it’s Dasani versus extinction…”

Coke Formula Exposed!

The formula for Coke has been hacked by the Chinese, and they have sent the ingredients to WikiLeaks. Appears that there is no trace of cocaine in the formula anymore, presumably because cocaine is so expensive. The most astonishing fact about the formula is what it DOESN’T contain. Not only is there no sugar, (since that’s too expensive, and has been replaced by the addictive high fructose corn syrup, a cheaper manmade product that can lead to diabetes,) but there is no happiness either! That’s right: happiness is not part of this product, although it’s advertised as being the main product, with slogans like “Open Happiness.” For the full formula, go here.

In other news, celebrities gathered aboard the Celebrity Century to witness a rare South Pacific meteor shower consisting of debris from the Sandusky Comet. No one survived. The ship’s black box was recovered from 5400 feet by robot submersible. Luckily, the sports, music and film stars who perished were all C and D List. Celebrity Cruises reports that everyone who is anyone are still safe, and offers condolences to “those who is not.”

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