Man Wins 50th Bronze Medal

Carl Jablonsky has won his 50th bi-annual Bronze in the Dallas Chili Cookoff, yet all he could do was cry in his beer at being defeating again for the Gold and Silver by numerous rivals who placed ahead of him previously. “I’m truly ashamed of myself,” he said. “I’ve lost my self worth, my dignity, my savings, my family, and my will to keep on cooking.” Bobby Flay has never called him for a Throw Down, he says, although he used humane grass-fed beef instead of the Gold winning grain-fed beef from the Texas Longhorn Extermination Camp. And when he goes into his neighborhood bar? No one knows his name. His only friend is Thomas Drake, an ex intelligence officer who blew the whistle on the government’s waste of three billion dollars, and was being prosecuted for leaking the intel until 60 Minutes did a story on him…at which point all charges were dropped. Together, the two troll storage lockers in hopes of finding old silver or gold jewelry to sell to companies advertising to buy metal prior to the collapse of the dollar, (when filling your tank will cost a nice wedding ring.) When told about a buyer in Reno for bronze, he laughed and said, “Not enough left for gas to get there!” To which Drake said, “Look, buddy, we’ll hitchhike. We can do it.” When the Gold medal winner, (a former Iron Chef and restauranteur who flew in for the event,) heard this on the local news, he added, “Just do it. Yeah. That’s the spirit!” Then the commentator commented: “You know, Drake tried to save the taxpayer billions, might have prevented 9/11, and they tried to lock him up for it. Now nobody cares. What does all of this say about our values?” A NASA Mission engineer, waiting on the phone to be interviewed, (and thinking the question wasn’t just rhetorical), responded, “Good thing we’re going to Mars. I mean. . .I mean, they got a drought there too, but at least it’s cooler.”

 

About these ads