NASCAR Announces TEXT 500

An exciting but controversial new race is being inaugurated on an oval track in Reading, PA. The NASCAR event will feature bookmobiles equipped with 500HP fuel-injected performance engines. The fifty bookmobiles won’t need a single pit stop, since their gas tanks hold hundreds of gallons. “This is extremely Twitter worthy,” declared spokesmodel Heidi Vroomeyer, adjusting her thong. “Drivers must text an entire chapter from Dale Earnhardt Junior’s autobiography to a special phone router during the race—and before the finish line—or they’ll be disqualified.” The race is part of NASCAR’s outreach program to “underprivileged geeks” and “bookish nerds,” in hopes of generating new fans. Pre-race virtual video tours of the bookmobiles will show that each is an actual working library stocked with hardcovers and paperbacks. Further investigation by NEN has discovered that the books and the bookmobiles were donated by ailing libraries nationwide in exchange for sponsorship funds generated by ads displayed on the sides of the supercharged rolling billboards. “Apparently, libraries in America are now mostly internet cafes for the homeless and dispossessed, while iPads and Kindle Fires have replaced printed books for most everyone else,” reports Ryback Solomon. “So far, the sponsors for the TEXT 500 have ranged from Bud and Skoal to the video game Carmageddon and Marvel Comics upcoming 3D iMax blockbuster Doctor Doom. The overall intent here is to allow America to witness what happens when drivers text constantly in heavy traffic. And this traffic is definitely heavy. Drinking will be allowed too, but there are no children present…just childish behavior. Expect that by the end the track will be littered with burning copies of Fahrenheit 451, along with road kill and the weeping and gnashing of teeth. Also expect a hundred dollar per cheap seat entrance charge, and a future pay-per-view showing on ESPN prime ticket.” Flash Update: NEN has just learned that one publisher paid each of the fifty bookmobile suppliers a fee to have them all painted in Fifty Shades of Grey.

A proposed Kiss-In by gays banned from the event has morphed into a promised Piss-Off outside the track under this banner. The GAY PRIDE 100 will circle while consuming—not Chick Fil-a and lemonade—but foot long hot dogs and oceans of St. Pauli Girl beer.

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