Pentagon to Bomb WikiLeaks

WikileaksJulian Assange has leaked the Pentagon’s plans to bomb their computer facility, after being embarrassed since Wikileaks released the Afghan War Diary and classified information on Gitmo and Stuxnet viruses.  (Along with a few negative reviews of Dick Cheney’s book.)  The Wikileaks server, located in a former nuclear bunker in Sweden, may be accessible to a so-called “bunker buster” bomb after softening by conventional 600 pound warheads, according to several highly paid analysts.  “We don’t want to go nuclear, here,” confessed General Chuck “Duke” Bumfeld from NORAD, mindful of 60 Minutes, “unless, of course, we have to.  Those Swedish idiots who harbor this traitor may be traitors too, but we have to think of all the women and children who don’t actually have the nuts to pick up an automatic weapon once in a while, and, oh, maybe just blow away some Cuckoo clocks or something.  Anyway, we’re gonna give that sickie wiki a hickey so big he’ll need a straw to take a leak with his. . . well, nevermind.”  Assange is currently assembling a number of monks and nuns in the facility for “Unix/Linex and Bash Shell computer programming classes to be taught by Khan Academy’s founder,” and he has leaked that too.  Many other whistleblowers related to banking, cigarettes, junk food, and both the insurance and drug industries are converging on the bunker to support Assange.  But this has led to Duke’s rethinking nuclear action.  (His tongue reportedly went “licky licky” across his lips before he said, cryptically, “Maybe now I’m not so picky?”)

In other news, the Crystal Cathedral in Garden Grove, California has quieted down a bit since Robert Schuller stepped down at the bankruptcy.  Instead of being called The Hour of Power, with its relentless message of optimism, the new radio program will be called The Hour of Hope.  “The man was at the end of his rope,” declared the Pope, “and he took the money we offered because he’s no dope.”  The Catholics will take over the facility soon, and will utilize the secret computer server in the basement with the financial histories of the church’s supporters as part of the deal.  But not before a whistleblower within the Schuller organization downloaded secret dioceses files involving priests and choir boys.  The files, now erased (also as part of the buyout deal), are currently being uploaded onto Wikileaks

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About J. Lowe

Novelist, journalist, editor of Tower Review.

Posted on March 13, 2012, in Politics, Religion and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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