Yahoo to Employ Hypnotic Suggestion

Not ‘content’ with merely interrupting your attempt to get to actual content, Yahoo is discussing using hypnotism and Flash brain signals to capture your attention.  When you now go to their site, various animated commercials obstruct your view of the links, playing out in front of you kinda like Direct TV’s animated previews, which come during critical scenes in movies.  Even Yahoo Trends, those nonsensical ‘news’ items about various coke-snorting celebs, now have these commercial interruptions, in which a curtain fails over your attempt to read the screen, with yet another dose of corporate propaganda.  So, essentially, before you get to read stuff you shouldn’t be interested in, you get hammered with stuff you shouldn’t buy.  Yet there are still a small, reluctant minority of lemmings who wait through all this, rolling their eyes without getting the message.  So the plan being discussed is to flash a series of short bright signals that will put you in a trance long enough to keep your eyes glued to the animations.  These flashes will also affect your ability to think clearly, but of course that’s a secondary bonus not really necessary anymore, given the success of sound bite TV news reporting.  What’s vital is to program people without their conscious knowledge, shielding them from the fact that they are essentially robots bent on self destruction.  The only thing to work out now is the legal ramifications regarding epileptics going into seizures.

In other news, Rev. Garth Goldbar is the first televangelist to make the Forbes 500 richest Americans.  Having achieved his goal, Goldbar is retiring from the ministry, giving his program God, Gold, and Guts the glory for his great success.  “I beat you, Copeland!” Garth yelled from the stern of his departing 300 foot yacht, christened Divinely Mine.  Joining Kenneth Copeland on the Miami dock, Rev. Creflo Dollar gave Garth the finger before that dynamic duo got back into their respective Rolls.  Rev. Peter Popoff and Casino Jack Abramoff couldn’t make the sendoff, although they did join the flipoff (via iPhone) along with Madoff.  Goldbar’s first stop is the Caymans to pick up some petty cash for what he is calling his “around the world kiss-off.”  What makes other swindlers mad is that he intends to ask all his former supporters, one by one, to use whatever rent money they have left to, as he put it on his first call, “buy a Joel Osteen bobblehead doll for your 1978 AMC Pacer, fool.”

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