Bad Tip Banker Has More Tips

“Let’s eat, Larry”

We have obtained the memoirs of the wealthy banker who left a $1.33 tip on a $133 lunch at the True Food Kitchen in Newport Beach, with the tip “get a real job.”  In the upcoming GET YOURS he details more tips, but not for those who find themselves punching a time clock.  Rather, these are tips for other top 1% egos, (like Mitt Romney, who admitted “I have many great friends who own NASCAR teams.”)  What is a “real job”?  That’s one which pollutes the planet, makes the taxpayer pick up on the tab on cleanup, and allows for a tax exempt slush fund for investing bailout and bonus money in military contracts, blood diamonds, and offshore slave labor in the manufacture of tennis shoes, soda, and cigarettes.  In the book you will learn: 

 
1)  The proper grip for holding onto money. . . as well as the most popular flaunting techniques.  
2}  How to convincingly appear uncertain of your actual worth.
3} When the probability of a piece of toast landing butter-side-down is NOT proportionate to the cost of the carpet, but has more to do with the pile.
4}  How to use cigar smoke as intimidation and means to escape justice.
5)  The best tasers and pepper sprays on the market, made from platinum alloy with the personally engraved signature of either Russell Simmons or Donald Trump.
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GET YOURS begins with the following test:

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ARE YOU STILL PART OF THE 1%?
Do you spend sleepless nights wondering if you’ve slipped?  Are you wondering if you’re no longer the rich bastard you used to be?  Now, with this simple quiz, you can see exactly where you stand…  Rules?  There are no rules.  Take out a pen, a piece of paper, and a calculator.  Answer the statements below TRUE or FALSE as they relate to you.  Work quickly–don’t stop to think.  Ready?  …GO!
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1)  You own a library of Success and Personal Motivation books.

2)  You attend real estate seminars and lectures whenever possible, paying up to $300, and applauding the lecturer.

3)  You know what “truffles” are.

4)  You are familiar with the term “time card.”

5)  Your favorite TV show is on Fox.

6)  You read tabloid newspapers sold in supermarket lines.

7)  You never know who your friends are.

8)  You have a great sex life, and/or want children.

9)  You like to ask people what they do for a living.

10) You always dress elegantly, in style, in the finest clothes.

11) You complain when you don’t get exactly what you want.

12) You know how to juggle “charming” with “ruthless.”

13) You know where “Bora Bora” is.

14) You have never received a traffic or speeding ticket, just “warnings.”

15) “Money is not everything, it is the only thing.”

16) You use an automatic teller machine.

17) Most of your junk mail is for “financial services.”

18) You carry a briefcase.

19) You worry about money, then dream of having more.

20) You’re relatively happy.

21) U.P.S. brings you packages often.

22) You know several charity fund directors by their first names.

23) You have more than one lawyer or more than one accountant.

24) You have a country club membership in town.

25) You have an ego problem.

26) You know what “Easement” means.

27) “A million dollars is a lot of money.”

28) You’re thinking of writing your memoirs.

29) When you throw a party, you provide valet parking.

30) You watch Wheel of Fortune on TV.
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SCORING
       Now calculate your points, refering to the 30 questions…
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1) F, +1.  If you’ve WRITTEN such books, add 5 points for each book written.
2) F, +1.  If you GIVE such lectures, add 2 points for each lecture you’ve given which exceeded 100 in attendance.
3) T, +1.  If you eat this rare fungus more than once a week, give yourself an extra point.
4) F, +2.  If you STILL punch a time clock, deduct 10 points.
5) F, +1.  You SHOULD prefer the roaring fire in your Aspen cabin, or Neil Cavuto.
6) F, +1.  If, however, you read the tabloids to find something you can sue them for, add 2 points.
7) T, +1.  If you have NO real friends, +2 points.
8) F, +1.  To you, “mutual fun” translates “hedge fund.”
9) F, +1.  Rich Bastard wannabes admire privacy, and how someone makes a fortune is not as important as if they already have one.
10) F, +1.  If you can get away with wearing blue jeans to a formal dinner party, +4 points.
11) T, +1.  It follows that since you sometimes enjoy saying NO to people, you don’t like it when people say NO to you.
12) T, +2.  If you learned it from your rich parents, +10.
13) T, +0.  Add 3 points for every time you’ve visited this Tahitian island in the last 10 years.  (If you haven’t been out of the state in the last year, deduct 3 points)
14) T, +2.  Officers are reluctant to issue tickets to drivers of new Mercedes. {You may be their attending physician in the emergency room.}
15) T, +1.  You must believe in what you’re doing, and twisted logic or soothing madness helps.
16) F, +2.  If your personal banker gives you a surprise birthday party, give yourself an extra 5 points.
17) Disregard this answer. Most of EVERYONE’S mail is for financial or tax services.
18) F, +1.  Carrying a briefcase means you haven’t quite “made it” yet.  But if you’ve NEVER carried a briefcase, -1.
19) Disregard this answer. EVERYBODY worries about money, and dreams of having something left after taxes.  That’s why you’re taking this test.
20) T, +2.  Relatively speaking, laughing all the way to the bank is practiced more often by banking CEOs than by those worried about debit card fees.
21) T, +1.  If you’re rich, you probably like to shop via catalogs.  The stores at your local mall just don’t seem to have what you can afford.
22) T, +2.  And they probably have a complete profile on tax deduction-oriented people like you, too.
23) T, +2.  If they sometimes fly in by Lear jet at your request, add 5 points.
24) T, +1.  If the membership is for life, add 2 points.  If you hardly ever go there except when celebrities are present, give yourself another point.
25)  For the number of close personal advisors who tell you this, add 3 points for each.
26) T, +1. But if no one has any right (or “easement”) to trespass on your property to get to hiking trails, add 3 points more for each property.
27) F, +2.  Remember what Art Linkletter said:  “A million is no money anymore…”   
28) Disregard this answer.  Practically everyone, not just criminals, are writing their memoirs this very moment.
29) T, +1.  If undercover press try to crash your party, add 5 points.  If they succeed, add only 2 points.
30) F, +2.  If you still watch Wheel of Fortune just to ogle Vanna White, disregard this whole test and check into a nursing home.
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TOTAL YOUR POINT SCORE
Below 20=   Get real
20–30 points =  Contender
31–40 points =  Snobbish Dilettante
41–50 points =  You Bastard
51 +   points =  Tea Partiers want your autograph

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