THE ARTIST’s Shocking Alternate Ending
Instead of boy gets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl, the ending of The Artist had an extra scene cut from the original: boy eats girl. When a zombie virus escapes Dr. Frankenstein’s lab, Valentin takes a forbidden snoot at an Oscar after-party, then French kisses Queen Elizabeth. Pandorum breaks loose as all the revelers play musical chairs to the dulcet tones of Twisted Sister. (Actually, the music isn’t heard, but the bride of Frankenstein and her Lycan sibling appear to be trying out for The Voice as a duet.) When the prime rib is gone, everyone tries flank steak a la Billy Crystal, much to the host’s chagrin. Uggie loses it too, and feasts on The Iron Lady’s midsection, which causes her to shout, “This dingo’s got my baby!” And when Peppy hides out in the lady’s room with Pippa, they are hunted down by autograph werewolves, who save prime cuts for Meryl as Julia Child, and (of course) Anthony Hopkins. (The preceding scene was written by J.J. Abrams, who once added vampires to Alias, an espionage show, and also produced the aptly named Lost.) BTW, remember the movie The Game, starring Michael Douglas? Don’t you wish they’d played that same game on banking CEOs prior to 2008? (Sans vampires, of course.)
Sample chapters HERE.
In the news recently over 300,000 abandoned homes were classified as “zombies” by the zombie banks, who failed to follow up on the foreclosed properties. Meanwhile, thanks to such shows as The Walking Dead and World War Z, otherwise sane, living people have become ever more obsessed with zombie plagues, or encountering zombies in the pot-holed streets. What’s real and what’s fake, these days? No one seems sure. Labron James is complaining basketball is turning into tackle football, while a new recruit to Penn State named “Zavd Issah” is being charged with using fake money to buy burgers at McDonalds. (We learn in “Fast Food Nation” that some of McDonalds food is fake, too…like their strawberry shakes, which have no strawberries and include corn syrup solids, guar gum, and dyglycerides.) In other news, not only is documentarian John Ziegler trying to exonerate Joe Paterno from the shadow of coverup that got him fired, but Jerry Sandusky himself is continuing to claim “I did nothing wrong.” Is Obama’s birth certificate fake, too? Many in the Republican party are claiming he’s a radical Islamic extremist as well. So…I suppose he killed Osama to cover this up? One thing is for certain: zombies are real, but none of them are dead yet. Unfortunately. What we suggest is that you prepare for the invasion of zombies into your neighborhood by retrofitting your house to repel them. And since we all know (but don’t understand) that zombies only eat living people (alive,) not dead fake food, put up the golden arches and a wide screen TV playing commercials for processed junk food. That’ll work, don’t ya think?