Tower Heist’s Shocking Alternate Ending
NEN has learned that the movie Tower Heist was shot with an alternate storyline in which the main characters discover the evil investment banker played by Alan Alda has no jewels or money or securities hidden in his penthouse apartment, but rather a stash of government checks. . . thousands of them, made out to him. “It was going to be a twisted joke on entitlement fraud,” director Brett Ratner explained, “but then Leonard DiCaprio came over to visit me from the J. Edgar set, where he overheard the Feds saying they were going to raid us, using a special Presidential Executive order, and post any secrets they find on YouTube and The Huffington Post.” Seems the Fed has been sending all investment bankers thousands of government checks by ‘mistake,’ and such a storyline would blow the whistle on that. When we asked why Ratner doesn’t make a documentary on that subject, he only smiled and went to work on his next production, Horrible Bosses II.
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Eddie Murphy and Ben Stiller also declined comment, not wanting to be audited. What’s it all coming to? Anyone’s guess. One’s thing’s for certain: crushed from all sides, the Middle Class is SCREWED. And when they’re gone? Then it’s war, baby. We now go to the local news for their opinions on this ultimate cliff….
NEN: “Do you think there’s a class war coming, and, if so, how will that play out?”
CHANNEL 4: “Live, local, late-breaking! …I don’t think we can say anything about that, although we are required to say other fun things.”
NEN: “You mean like joking about Jennifer Aniston’s love life? Don’t you have an opinion about politics?”
CHANNEL 9: “Super Doppler 9 HD 360 24/7 for YOU! …I think what he means is that we may have opinions, but we’re required to keep them to ourselves.”
NEN: “What about your opinions on sports? You express those opinions all the time.”
CHANNEL 13: “All sports all the time on 13 NOW! …That’s different. Those are personal religious beliefs directly relevant to the local market. If we expressed opinions on national politics or viewer’s personal choices or beliefs we’d be fired.”
NEN: “But you sponsor endless junk food commercials…ads for Hummers…promos urging people to watch game shows and reality TV featuring dysfunctional families who-–”
PBS 29: “Your commercial free station sponsored by Coke! …Charlie Rose takes up this subject with Kim and Kanye on Monday. Stay tuned. This is pledge week.”
“It’s not whether you win of lose, it’s whether you win.” —-Donald Trump
“It’s not whether you win or sin, it’s whether you grin while doing it!” –-Ted Cashman, prosperity gospel televangelist, age 35, now retired to Dubai.
“There is nothing in the dark that isn’t there when the lights are on.” (But…) “It may be said with a degree of assurance that not everything that meets the eye is as it appears.” —Rod Serling
NOTE: The rest of this blogpost is included in the ebook RANDOM ACTS OF SATIRE, available for .99 cents at Amazon. You don’t have a Kindle, they have a special reading app. Do this or be consumed by a Sharknado. FOOTNOTE: I live in a trailer, and eat Beanie Wienies. Meanwhile, there’s a guy who writes serial killer books who lives in a multi-million dollar home in Palm Beach, with a personal staff, bodyguard, and helicopter. My point? Not sure. …Oh, wait, maybe I should say something about how it’s all about marketing, now. This guy was once an ad man, after all. As one of the top .1% of pros who get 99% of the profits, he makes $90 Million per year and gives a million to charity on camera for the publicity and tax deduction. Only thing I can afford to give is an occasional hot dog to neighborhood Hispanic kids in the trailer park (who don’t have anything to eat with school being out.) Anyway, think about it. And then set aside the thought and buy another slasher novel or zombie movie for ten times the price from Amazon. They don’t need the money, but they do need to top off that fuel tank on their Marquis 720 Tri-Deck, docked at Cannes. Kim and Kayne were sighted there, after all.
Posted on November 3, 2011, in Most Popular Posts, Movies and tagged alan alda, ben stiller, brett ratner, eddie murphy, entitlement fraud, entitlements, federal reserve, hollywood, huffington post, j. edgar, leonardo dicaprio, movies, tower heist, youtube. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.