Tower Heist’s Shocking Alternate Ending

Tower Heist

Original Poster

NEN has learned that the movie Tower Heist was shot with an alternate storyline in which the main characters discover the evil investment banker played by Alan Alda has no jewels or money or securities hidden in his penthouse apartment, but rather a stash of government checks. . . thousands of them, made out to him.  “It was going to be a twisted joke on entitlement fraud,” director Brett Ratner explained, “but then Leonard DiCaprio came over to visit me from the J. Edgar set, where he overheard the Feds saying they were going to raid us, using a special Presidential Executive order, and post any secrets they find on YouTube and The Huffington Post.”  Seems the Fed has been sending all investment bankers thousands of government checks by ‘mistake,’ and such a storyline would blow the whistle on that.  When we asked why Ratner doesn’t make a documentary on that subject, he only smiled and went to work on his next production, Horrible Bosses II.


Eddie Murphy and Ben Stiller also declined comment, not wanting to be audited.


What’s it all coming to? Anyone’s guess. One’s thing’s for certain: crushed from all sides, the Middle Class is SCREWED. And when they’re gone? Then it’s war, baby. We now go to the local news for their opinions on this ultimate cliff….
NEN: “Do you think there’s a class war coming, and, if so, how will that play out?”
CHANNEL 4: “Live, local, late-breaking! …I don’t think we can say anything about that, although we are required to say other fun things.”
NEN: “You mean like joking about Jennifer Aniston’s love life? Don’t you have an opinion about politics?”
CHANNEL 9: “Super Doppler 9 HD 360 24/7 for YOU! …I think what he means is that we may have opinions, but we’re required to keep them to ourselves.”
NEN: “What about your opinions on sports? You express those opinions all the time.”
CHANNEL 13: “All sports all the time on 13 NOW! …That’s different. Those are personal religious beliefs directly relevant to the local market. If we expressed opinions on national politics or viewer’s personal choices or beliefs we’d be fired.”
NEN: “But you sponsor endless junk food commercials…ads for Hummers…promos urging people to watch game shows and reality TV featuring dysfunctional families who-–”
PBS 29: “Your commercial free station sponsored by Coke! …Charlie Rose takes up this subject with Kim and Kanye on Monday. Stay tuned. This is pledge week.”     
“It’s not whether you win of lose, it’s whether you win.” —-Donald Trump
“It’s not whether you win or sin, it’s whether you grin while doing it!” –-Ted Cashman, prosperity gospel televangelist, age 35, now retired to Dubai.

“There is nothing in the dark that isn’t there when the lights are on.” (But…) “It may be said with a degree of assurance that not everything that meets the eye is as it appears.”Rod Serling

In other news, NEN has discovered the six levels to hell. Who you were in life determines which level you go to. Level one is for SPORTS WORSHIPERS. At this level you can play only one game at the easiest (ie. slowest) level. That game is “Pong.” The computer that animates the other paddle is the computer from the SF horror story by Harlan Ellison titled “I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream.” It yells at you with shrieking 800 decibel insults whenever you stop playing or miss. And you must play this game forever. Level two is for PEDOPHILE PRIESTS and POLITICIANS. At this level you are in a debate with the devil’s advocate over your nomination for Antichrist. The glass on your podium is not filled with water, but kerosene. The only kickbacks under the table come from demons kicking you in the nuts whenever you pause to clear your throat. Level three is for TELEVANGELISTS. At this level a large high def screen is placed in front of you, and you are strapped into a chair, your eyes stuck open with Crazy Glue while you watch an eternal episode of Big Brother, a reality TV program taking place in heaven, intermittently interrupted by Pepsi commercials. Your chair is over a heating vent. Level four is for GANGSTER RAPPERS. At this level you are on set to produce a video, but the only performers you can work with are trans-gender vegetarians who only sing Opera. Gold jewelry rusts here, and your Ferrari won’t start because it has a breathalizer ignition that only works if you’re drunk…and the only drink available is warm, week-old milk. Level five is for TERRORISTS. At this level, you have 99 virgins presented to you, but they are all clones of Mrs. George HW Bush, and wear chastity belts. One of the grannies is the genuine article. Level Six is for INVESTMENT BANKERS. At this level you are forced to balance the books of various military contractors who benefited from tax money taken from widows and working class people now in heaven. When the books fail to balance, you are tied to a Pentagon general and thrown “one for the money, two for the show” into the lake of fire by demons who cackle and tell knock-knock jokes. Each time you’re fished out to repeat this procedure one extra year is added to the time you’re left floating in the hot red ink with a fat general’s bad breath on your neck. But at each million year mark the clock is reset and you’re given a brief party thrown by Bernie Madoff honoring your “millionaire” status. (Alas, at each party the devil’s food cake is sampled by Gordon Ramsay, who yells that the frosting “tastes like shit” 666 times in a row while throwing his 666 knives.)

About these ads

About J. Lowe

Novelist, journalist, editor of Tower Review.

Posted on November 3, 2011, in Most Popular Posts, Movies and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 331 other followers